Malik's Answering Machine
by Sour Schuyler
Summary: Oh the horrors of Malik's answering machine... what kind of funky messages have been left now? Rated for language and bits of odd sexual humor. Some shounen-ai and het.
1. The First Five Horrorsssss

"Malik. Um, hi. This is Yugi. I was wondering if you wanted to meet me at the park. this Saturday? You know, near sunset or whatever. I was thinking we don't spend enough time hanging out. I mean, it's not like we're enemies anymore, is it? Didn't think so. So. you wanna?"  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Hi, Malik. This is Bakura. I." "Who is it, Baku-chan?" "Nobody, hikari. Go away." "But who iiiiiis iiiiiiiit?" "I said nobody, Ryou, dammit, now go away!" "Awww, Kura." "Uhhh. Aw, man. Ryou, don't cry! Stop being such a sniveling wimp! Ryou!" "Waaah!" "Oh, geez, Malik, I'll call you back, 'kay? 'Kay. Bye."  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Malik, this is Seto Kaiba. Tell your sister that I have no intention of returning to her the Obelisk. Oh, here, let me dumb it down for you: I WON'T GIVE HER BACK THE CARD. Okay, just to get that straight. Now, I'm a busy man, so bye."  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Hi Malik, this is Mokuba. I apologize for my older brother's rude behavior." "Mokuba, give me the phone!" "He's really not such a bad guy." "Mokuba, give it to me!" "No!" "Give it! NOW!" "Make me!" "Fine!" "Aaaah!" BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEP (dial tone, not cussing)  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Hi, uh, Malik. I just wanted to say, uh. I'm not in Las Vegas, and I'm not gambling money and playing strip poker. Really. I'm not. Really. So. I love you younger brother bye!" BEEP.  
  
Malik blinked. That last message is the most disturbing. So far, all the messages showed this: Yugi liked him and was gay and wanted to date him, Ryou was a crybaby and Bakura had a soft spot for him, Seto was an asshole, Mokuba was a lying asshole, and Isis was some type of gambling stripper.  
  
Oh yeah. It was gonna be a weird day. 


	2. Yami Marik's Message from Zambia!

Malik was eating toast when the answering machine picked up later that morning.  
  
"Hello, my lesser self! I am currently running amok in Zambia, where the terrified natives are giving me gold and offering to worship me! Rest assured, I won't be home in time for dinner. But Isis is in Vegas anyway, isn't she?"   
  
Malik smacked his forehead and dragged it down across his face. Why was he always the last one to learn about these things?  
  
"Anyway, I heard Odion is going to become a yodeler... yeah, he may have already booked train tickets to Sweden."  
  
Malik's eyes widened.  
  
"And now, for my goodbye signature laugh! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" click  
  
Malik stared at the phone for a second, his violet eyes startlingly large, then looked towards the door.  
  
"ODIOOONN!"  
  
An enormous bald man waddled in. His skin was dark from the scalding hot sunlight he'd been exposed to for the second half of his life. This was Odion, Malik's older adopted brother. He was polishing his bald head. Malik face faulted.  
  
"Hoo boy..."  
  
"Yes, Master Malik?" Odion responded automatically. Malik narrowed his eyebrows.  
  
"I think we need to have a talk..."  
  
--------------  
  
Thanks for the abundance of feedback! Review, please!  
  
Ryou: grabs a megaphone REVIEWS O KUDASAI! 


	3. Malik's Second Crusher

NOTE: This is the second draft of the original chapter. I've slightly tweaked some of the wording, and added a lot more detail/changed the format to some of the messages.  
  
Well, you are all lucky stiffs. Looking back at some of my other 2- chapter stories, I realized they all had one thing in common: the second chapters only had 2 reviews!! oO;; Of course, I encourage you to go back and change that. However, I looked at this, and thought, I'll write the second chapter if there are 5 reviews for the second chapter. And guess what? Exactly five.   
  
Sooo... here we go! And remember that I loooooove reviews! (And even flames!)  
  
PUT ME ON YOUR AUTHOR ALERT!!! ;;;; Ehehehe....  
  
BTW, this is officially my 4th most popular fanfic!! Hehe... Okay, here I go!  
  
"Hey, Malik... um... hi! Well, I, uh, just wanted to say, um, that I--"  
  
"Yugi who are you talking to?"  
  
"Nobody, Yami. I'm leaving a message."  
  
"Oh, well, it just better not be Malik, Marik, or Bakura, because if it is and you've developed a crush on one of them, I will hurt you."  
  
"Gulp. Anyway, uh... yeah Joey I'll help you with your homework tomorrow, and uh bye!"  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Hello, little brother!! Many greetings from Vegas!! Ah-hah! I'm in Vegas! You never wouldn't guessed, ne? Lol... Yes I just said lol... Anyway... Would you believe it, Shadi's here?"  
  
It is time for Malik's menacingly growl.  
  
"GROWL!"  
  
Thank you for listening to MALIKGROWL RADIO. WE now continue with Ishizu's message.  
  
"Anyway, yeah, we're hanging out and stuff... how's Odion? And is your Yami staying out of trouble? My Millennium Tauk tells me everything's okay..."  
  
Malik looked out the window at a whim to see many buildings on fire outside, and he heard his Yami's laughter over the screams of the civilians.  
  
"Yeah... but didn't you give Yugi your Tauk?" he whispered to nobody in particular.  
  
"Don't talk to yourself! It's not natural! And remember to floss! Ta ta, dear brother!"  
  
BEEP.  
  
[Begin more detailed message]  
  
"Hey, Malik! How you doin'? Anyway, OUCH! Geez Tea I'm inviting him already! Sheez! Grr... Uh, yeah, Malik, well, we were just wonderin' if you—"  
  
"Well I don't want him to hang out with us."  
  
"Shut up, Joey, nobody asked you!"  
  
"It could be nice to become friendly with Malik, Joey," a short, blonde duelist whom Malik had once tried to assasinate advised.  
  
"Oh yeah?" Joey rebelled.  
  
"Yeah," Tristan said, trying to but an end to the fighting.  
  
"Listen to Yugi, Joey!" Tea encouraged.  
  
Tristan said doubtfully, "Um, guys, what should I tell him? And... O.O;; Yugi, are you blushing?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Oh, okay. Uh, Malik, if you want to hang out with us this Saturday, we're, uh, having a picnic..."  
  
"DOR-KY!" Joey sounded.  
  
"SHUT UP, JOEY!"  
  
"Why don't you, Tea!"  
  
"Guys, stop fighting!"  
  
"Uh... yeah a picnic at 4 in Domino Park, so yeah, uh, if you want, see ya there!" "See ya there, cutie!"  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Malik, this is Shadi. You must be one with the force. Amen."  
  
[end more detailed message]  
  
BEEP.  
  
"...Hi. Um, Malik, this is Ryou, and I was wondering whether or not you'd seen Bakura? He hasn't contacted me in the past 2 days... ;; I worry about him. I think he hates me... and I'm probably right. Wah. So, uh, help?"  
  
BEEP.  
  
Malik stared at his evil, evil, EVIL answering machine in shock. This was TERRIBLE! Shadi was probably making tons of moves on his sister, Yugi DEFINITELY liked him and SO DID TEA! DANG IT! Lord knows Malik didn't want a friendship slut-sap hanging around him – or all over him. Plus, Joey hated him, which was going to make the whole picnic thing go over a lot worse, since Odion would MAKE him attend, and Ryou, Malik was now sure, was a couple with Bakura. Not to mention Yami was going to maim Yugi when he got wind of the shorter game king's crush.  
  
...Actually, that was a good thing, wasn't it? Maybe Yami could slap some sense into his uselessly short hikari.  
  
Malik, sensing a brain overload, did what only a sane individual would do – making it quite rare in his case -.  
  
He turned around, pretended all of those messages never happened, ambled over to his television set and turned on Friends. 


	4. Everyone's Morning Has Gone to Hell and ...

IMPORTANT NOTE: This is a second draft, minna-san. It's got funnier stuff. - Hope you like it.  
  
Ohayo gozaimasu minna-san! 'Tis 7:34 in the morn', but I be writing this fanfic here for your enjoyment! SO REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Anyway. I'm going to do this chapter and devote it to Chance Illuser. I will either do one of three things:  
  
Make Joey despise Malik beyond all normal reasoning Make Joey give Malik the "silent treatment" Have Joey try to seduce him!! ; Just make Malik THINK Joey's try to seduce him. ;;;  
  
So anyway! THANKS CHANCE ILLUSER FOR REVIEWING!  
  
Also, a big "HI!" to AKIO THE DRAGON MASTER, umm... because I DANG WELL SAY SO!  
  
Warning: Pain. . Enjoy it!  
  
It was time.  
  
The Chosen One, as proclaimed by the irritable and horrible when PMS-y Ishizu, sat up in his bed and stretched, crooning kawaiily.  
  
"Yami, what time is it?" Yugi asked sleepily, stifling another yawn.  
  
"7:37 aibou. Time to get up. The author is writing." Yugi groaned and hastily got out of bed, making his way over to his dresser.  
  
Now, oddly enough, everthing in this dresser fit both Yugi and Yami perfectly. Yugi blamed and/or thanked Millennium magic. Blamed because he was NOT a big fan of leather. Plether, though? Plether rocked. Since it was a Friday (like today) Yugi took out his navy blue school uniform and put it on. Yawning, he racked his brain for anything exciting about the day to come.  
  
...Oh yeah! Today they were having their picnic. They had pushed it up a day early because the authoress lady had said so, and Malik had been informed via the Divine Telephone. 'Twas quite a dramatic display.   
  
A blush crept over Yugi's cheeks as he thought of Malik. He licked his dry lips, then looked hesitantly towards Yami. Finding the 4,000 year old spirit (INSIDE JOKE #1) snoring, he exited the room and made his way to the kitchen to get some Froot Loops.  
  
Tea Gardner had already been up since 5:30, the evil monster, and was prancing around throwing flowers around in her apartment. --;; Thus, making a mess. She was also chanting:  
  
"I like Malik; I like Yami; I like Yugi too; I like orgies; inside hot tubs; with water that is blue!"  
  
OO Um... um!! O.O;;;  
  
Let's move on, shall we?  
  
"NO!" Tea screamed suddenly and randomly. She whipped out a skull via Shakespeare and started talking to it.  
  
"Yugi, or not Yugi? That is the question! Whether 'tis nobler to let him in on the orgy like a good person or have more fun with just Malik and Yami alone..."  
  
--;;;; Let's get out of here.  
  
Tea slipped on some of the dark pink flower petals and hit her head on a coffee table, thus knocking her out. ( Cheers!)  
  
Malik was gently snoring in his crib, hugging his baby rattle tightly. (Oh my, kawaii AND kowai! Cute and scary.) Suddenly, his eyes flew open. Cold chills ran down his spine. He sneezed. (REFERENCE TO JAPANESE CULTURE #1)  
  
"I think somebody's making fun of me..." Malik muttered. He sat up and cried to try to get Odion's attention. After a few minutes when Odion didn't wake up, even though his bed was in the same room as Malik's, the platinum blonde – and that's Malik, remember – (Odion: dazed look Yes I'm a natural blonde...) threw his rattle at Odion and cried loudly.  
  
"Ow. Uh... DAMMIT, ISHIZU! We can't play patty-cake now. It's too early. Oh... Malik. Hold on."  
  
"O.O"  
  
So, after the diaper change --- which I will leave to your oh–so–vivid and OH–SO- YAOIISH–AND–INCESTUOUS minds. Have fun, will you? gives you a pissed off look for no real reason 'Kay. --- Odion watched as a now fully-dressed Malik Ishtar gulped down chocolate milk from a baby bottle.  
  
"Gulp, gulp, gulp..." gulped Malik, providing his own sound effects. Odion leaned over to pat him on the back, but Malik let out a burp in his face before he could reach him.  
  
"And now, slave!" Malik commanded, throwing his bottle to one side, "we must (hic) prepare for the day to come! Anything on the calender?"  
  
Odion jogged the 1 foot to the wall calender hanging very closely nearby. The bottle that Malik had thrown hit him in the head and he fell to the floor. With a groan, he pushed himself to his knees. Rubbing his bald head with one hand, he grabbed the calender off the wall with his other one. He looked at it, his eyes little swirls from the impact.  
  
". Nothing down for today... :D except for your PICNIC!! :D MWAHAHAHAHAAA! :D :D :D" Lightening flashed in the background, followed by sonorous thunder as Odion continued to make stupid smiley faces.  
  
Yugi sat eating his Froot Loops and watching the Today Show on TV, wondering along with the rest of America, just where in the world was Matt Lower? His grandpa was busy arranging his magazine collection.  
  
"Now the Playboys go here, the Hustlers here..."  
  
BOOM! A thundrous blast pierced the air. Yugi looked outside to see wicked amounts of lightning that weren't there 3.5 seconds ago.  
  
"...Why isn't it raining...?"  
  
"And the Playgirls go here..."  
  
"O.O Um... grandpa?" Yugi leaned over his grandpa's hunched form, trying to get a glimpse of the magazine to see whether the eighty-two-year-old man was bluffing or not. "Is there something you're not telling me?"  
  
"NO MINE PRECIOUS WE WANTS IT!" Solomon Motou clamped up like an oyster realizing it's stunning beautiful pearl was exposed, grabbing his magazine and holding it against his chest. Yugi checked the title of it, saw what it was, and perturbed, went back to eating his Froot Loops and watching the Freak Show outside.  
  
Seto Kaiba, Mokuba, and Roland were doing the macarena in yellow raincoats outside of Yugi's house.  
  
"WE ARE THE FREAK SHOW!" Mokuba screeched.  
  
"THE HIGH AND MIGHTY FREAK SHOW!" Seto yelled along with his younger brother.  
  
"...This is so degrading," Roland muttered. "I don't get paid enough for this."  
  
Roland's mind was not, however, on his ravenous, dirty, neglected seven- year-old daughter who was living in an orphanage, but rather on the large holes in his socks. Forgetful bastard.  
  
Battle City's official referee looked up and saw a yellow-haired clown peering out of his window with wide eyes. He sweat dropped.  
  
"Creeeeepy," he said. "Looks like the circus is back in town... I'm not bringing Mokuba again, not after the incident with him, the elephant, and those peanuts..." Roland shuddered. "Uggh. I never wanna go through that again."  
  
"DANCE!" Mokuba poked Roland with a rainbow-striped umbrella. Roland flinched, then gave Mokuba a pouty look.  
  
"Fine!" he snapped in a whiny girl's voice. "I'll dance, I'll dance!"  
  
And he did.  
  
Yugi was dressed as a clown. Yami came down and glanced at him.  
  
"Groan..." Yami groaned. "I need coffee."  
  
"Then we're off to PJs!" Solomon Motou said! Ooh! Exclamation point! He scooped up Yugi and Yami and went sprinting down the street while carrying them both. (INSIDE JOKE #2)  
  
(This is gonna be a long chapter, ne?)  
  
Tristan awoke to the smell of dog breath – never a pleasant thing.  
  
"Blankie, get off!" Tristan shoved his collie off of the bed. (I do not own Blankie or the name; she's actually in the manga.) "Ohhh... hangover... damn."  
  
Tristan got up, made his way clumsily to the attached bathroom, and tripped and hit his head on the mirror.  
  
"............Ow...." came the delayed response.  
  
"HIIIIIIIIYA son!" Tristan's father was standing in the toilet, donning black rubber boots.  
  
"AGH!' Tristan jumped a foot in the air. "D—Dad, what are you doing here?"  
  
"What am I doing where?"  
  
"In... the... toilet." Both Tristan and Mr. Taylor were silent for a moment as they looked down at Mr. Taylor's giant feet.  
  
"Oh, well," Mr. Taylor smiled, "just trying to find a friendly way to keep Blankie from drinking out of the toilet!"  
  
Blankie barked in response from Tristan's room. She then went into the kitchen/living area and ransacked the fridge using her super-dog powers. U.U But nobody ever believed her...  
  
"So, where are you going today?" Mr. Taylor gave Tristan a friendly smile. He was a skinny man, with black hair plastered to his head and a skunk streak on it in lightning form. He was wearing dark jungle green overalls over a dirty white shirt with long sleeves. He wore black rubber boots and, as you know, was standing in Tristan's toilet. Tristan's toilet was actually the only one in the whole house, and, poor Tristan, he had to go rather badly.  
  
"Dad... can you..."  
  
"No, son, I can not waltz! I'm sorry!" Mr. Taylor waved him away with his hand.  
  
"No, I mean, can you... get out?" Tristan gave his father a pleading look.  
  
"Oh! Got your period," Mr. Taylor decided quackishly (really a word). "Well, good for you!" Mr. Taylor slapped Tristan on the back.  
  
"O.O Um, no. I have to pee."  
  
"OH, WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?" Mr. Taylor was all smiles. "YOU CAN'T!"  
  
"O.O Um... why not?" Tristan wanted to know.  
  
"Because Blankie my drink from the toilet." Tristan fell over. This caused him to hit his head on the linoleum.  
  
"WHILE I'M GOING!?" Tristan demanded.  
  
A smile. "Yep!"  
  
A smile he wanted to wipe off.  
  
"Dad, I'm sorry, but this is gonna hurt unless you get out of that toilet right now..." Tristan threatened.  
  
"Whoa now, son! I'll be good!" Mr. Taylor jumped out of the john, whom they had lovingly named John Frederick I and adorned with those festive glass balls that you hang on trees during Christmas time. I would go into further detail, but this fic would be X-rated. Think about that for awhile until you get it.  
  
"Finally!" Tristan sighed and relief and sat down. "Eating 50 pancakes for dinner really makes you hafta go!" O.O That'll do, Taylor, that'll do.  
  
Meanwhile, Blankies sensitive super-dog powers told her that she could drink out of the toilet now. She ran.  
  
Tristan was admiring the mess his father had made with his golashes all over the floor. Then Blankie ran in, the collie's toenails clicking against the floor. She lunged. The whole seen when kind of like this:  
  
"Hi Blankie AAUGH OW OMG BLANKIE STOP!!! Heyyyy feels good I MEAN OH MY GOODNESS BLANKIE CUT IT OUT!! DOWN, GIRL! DOWN!"  
  
Ahhhh, the power of cheese. Limburger cheese. It's illegal to sell it on a Sunday. Seriously. In some... place in the United States. Yeah. Anyway... Oooooh poor Tristan... ug. Let's move on.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"But I don't wanna goooo!" Malik whined babyishly. He was wearing a blue baby bib that complimented him rather nicely. Odion looked at him sternly.  
  
"You're going!"  
  
"But—"  
  
"No!"  
  
"What if—"  
  
"No!"  
  
"You wouldn't—"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Um."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Cheese."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Does Odion like Ishizu?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"How about little Yugi?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Mai?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Joey?"  
  
"Hell no you little bugger now cut it out!!" Malik face faulted.  
  
"Breathe, Odion, breathe." Odion's eyes teared up.  
  
"Ok..." Odion snuggled against Malik, crying, "but it's so hard... I need my mommy."  
  
"There there," Malik cooed. "Just remember that you're mommy probably ran away with a trucker like Hyde's mom in Season 1 of That 70s Show, and you'll be fine." Odion's eyes went wide.  
  
"That... doesn't make me feel any better..."  
  
"Well I'm sorry then, oniisan. You're an ass." Malik pushed him onto the floor. His answering machine picked up.  
  
"Malik... Ishtar... I will fckin'... kill you..." rasped a voice that sounded like Tristan. "I've been CASTRATED because of you!" Malik winced. "Ooh." Then Tristan's voice got all high as he mimicked the "Beep!" BEEP.  
  
"MALIK! I LOVE YOU MALIK! MARRY ME MALIK AND HAVE ORGIES WITH ME!" screamed Tea over the phone.  
  
"The girl makes sense," Odion pointed out. Malik sweat dropped and kicked him hard in the kidney.  
  
"Oww..."  
  
Well, that took awhile to type... I hope you liked it. Next chapter is the actual picnic. There will still be lots of messages via cell phone and stuff. ; Happiness!!!! It's a good, good, thing! Reviews!!! They are good, good, things! 


	5. Picnic Terror I

NOTE: This chapter has been spell-checked and adding some more description, therefore making this a second draft. (Sighs happily.) I love making things difficult.  
  
Author's Note:  
  
When I wrote the beginning thing for Chapter 4, I had already chosen which one – A, B, C, or D – that I would use. But, I'm dedicating this chapter to Sephiroth or Anime-Crazy2, because they were the first one to review Chapter 4, AND say what letter they wanted. So this chapter's for you! However, the effects of your choice won't happen until chapter 6...  
  
Also, to one of my best friends in the whole wide world, FireNeiko, I'm dedicating this entire FANFICTION TO YOU! Woo! I hope you can come to my b- day party, you sound really really lonely. =( Anyway...  
  
If anyone wants to read a really promising Gundam Wing fic, please read FireNeiko's Gundam 06. That's for you, Tay!  
  
Oh, and please tell me in your review: Am I making Malik too much of a baby? Yes/No.  
  
A review per chapter keeps me happy!! But any ol' review is fine! Remember! I accept flames! And I LOVE CRITICISM!!!!!  
  
Here we go! . On with the fic, y'all!  
  
THIS CHAPTER DEDICATED TO: SEPHIROTH OR ANIME-CRAZY2 ALSO DEDICATED TO: LISA KUDROW  
  
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH, MICHAEL JACKSON, BARNEY, , OR ANYTHING ELSE. TECHNICALLY THE TALKING GRASS ALSO BELONGS TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE. DANGIT... (HA HA HA, MY NOSE IS POINTY.)  
  
It was time.  
  
...Yes, again.  
  
DO NOT QUESTION ME! COWER IN FEAR, MERE MORTAL!! ...Ahem. It was time for Barney. Malik was standing on the sidewalk outside of the TVs 'R Us, watching Barney play on the television on display in the window. (Whew! What a run-on) He stared intently at the screen, lighting a cigarette and then taking a drag – hey! BAD Malik!  
  
"Don't tell me what to do, baka no onna!" Malik yelled. Some random, uppercrust lady with a pink ruffly umbrella and a well-groomed white poodle walking by at the moment looked startled.  
  
"Why, I never!" WHACK.  
  
"Owww!" Malik rubbed his head, feeling a large bump already forming where the umbrella had hit.(1) [[Ooh, good umbrella story later.]] "I'll see you in Hell, lady! Goodbye!"  
  
"Humph!" The lady resumed walking.  
  
'Humans...' the poodle thought. 'Why can't they all just get along? Like us dogs and the trees... we've made an alliance and we stick to it! Oh, look, there's a tree now!"  
  
"Rrr-uff, ruff ruff!" The dog jerked on it's chain.  
  
"Not now, Phoebe." [A/N: There you go, Lisa!!]  
  
"RUFFFF!" CHOMP.  
  
"Ahhhhh my crotch!"  
  
"O.O HOLY $%# you're a man!" Malik gasped in amazement.  
  
"Noooo! Come back, Phoebe!!" The man – er, woman – er, man – okay, so he was a Michael Jackson wannabe! – sprinted after the runaway poodle. "I have to finish walking you for that hottie 5th grader down the street!! He said he'd go out with me!! Pleeease wait Phoebe!"  
  
Malik stared after him. Then he felt his pager vibrating. He looked down. Oh. It was Bakura's number. He supposed he should call him back, to see what he wanted.  
  
"Well, I suppose I should call. Bakura might need me to light fire to something."  
  
Well, there was a pay phone.  
  
"Hey, there's a stinkin' pay phone."  
  
He'd call... collect. Dun dun duuuun!  
  
"I'm gonna waste his MONEY! MUA HA HA ha ha! YEAH! Kick ass!!! I'm so evil," Malik told himself. Underneath his tight white plether jeans (drool initiating) he was wearing a diaper. (o.O;; Um... nevermind then... The faucet has been turned off.)  
  
And so the extremely evil tyrant in the form of a sixteen-year-old, DEAD sexy teenager made his way to the telephone booth. There, he dialed Bakura's phone number, making sure to call collect. "Mua ha ha," he laughed softly, as he listened to the dial tone.  
  
Ryou picked up the phone and answered melodically. "Moshi moshi, Bakura residence. How can I help you?" Ryou's voice, as always, was friendly and polite. Very benign. Several female passersby who happened to hear the conversation, as Malik had left the booth's door open, promptly swooned and then fainted at the sound of the British boy's beautiful melodic voice. Malik stared at them blankly.  
  
He pointed dramatically at them. "E.T. phone home!!!! Shut the hell up, and go away!!!" Then, through the magic of the Millennium Rod, his index finger started to glow at the tip. Now it was THEIR turn to stare. Then scream. Then run away, tugging at their hair. Then head home and confess to their husband they've been cheating on them for seven months but that it doesn't matter because now that the world is coming to an end. Then get shot by their angry husbands. Then their husbands go off to become Jazz singers, like in Chicago. So Malik indirectly killed many people today.   
  
"Uh, Malik?" Malik sweat dropped.  
  
"Oh, sorry Yugi, I was just swept up in the reverie."  
  
Ryou grinned from the other side of the phone. "Got Yugi on the mind do you?"  
  
"Whaa??? Um, no!! I mean, uh, no!!! Um... is Bakura there?" Damn damn DAMN! Damn damn damn damn, damn DAMN! Malik admonished himself, singing in his mind. Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! DAMN DAMN! [A/N: Sing this line to yourself, and it's a lot funnier. ;;]  
  
Ryou quickly overlooked Malik's stuttering. "Well, Bakura IS home at the present time, but he's currently playing Sonic Heroes in French."  
  
"o.O;; Why's he doing that?"  
  
"Good learning experience, I suppose," Ryou admitted. "I learned all my Japanese from Sonic Adventure 2: Battle." [A/N: Try playing this in Japanese. It's so much fun!!!]  
  
"o.O;;; Riiiight... um. Yeah. He called me."  
  
"No he didn't."  
  
"Yes he did."  
  
"No he didn't."  
  
"Yes he did."  
  
"No, sorry Malik, that's not true. He's been up in the den, playing video games, since 2 'o clock yesterday morning." Malik sweat dropped again.  
  
"Is there a BATHROOM up there?"  
  
"Yes, yes there is." Sweat drop.  
  
"And a phone?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"So he could've called me."  
  
"Oh, dear... I suppose so. Sorry about that!! Heh heh." Ryou scratched the back of his head. "Um... he's also got a pizza."  
  
"Hot damn!"  
  
"Yeah, I know. Oh... ;; But he won't share..."  
  
"Kill 'im."  
  
"I can't do that, Malik, he's my best – "  
  
"Best what?" Malik grinned widely, leaning against the side of the phone booth. "Because I know you were not just about to say best friend, because I'm your best friend, aren't I? Or is there something you're not telling me." Bingo, Malik thought. He knew that something was going on between Ryou and Bakura, he could feel it. He could SENSE IT IN HIS BONES, I TELL YA!!!  
  
"Yaaaaaaaarghhh!" The man from the Six Flags commercial ran and dove across the street, narrowly avoiding his own bus.  
  
"Ummmm..." Malik could feel Ryou blushing from the other side of the phone. "He's my best... soul partner?"  
  
"Good show, now cheerio!"  
  
"HEY—"  
  
Malik hung up. "Meh he he... nothing like stirring up cumbersome emotions for the day to come." Malik then realized that through out all of this, he had been holding a burning cigarette butt.  
  
"" He opened the door to the booth and flicked it away, and it hit some poor kid in the eye.  
  
"OWWWWWCH!"  
  
The sexy Egyptian teen checked his watch. It was 1:20. The picnic wasn't until 2.  
  
"I wish the author would stop changing the time and date," Malik grumbled, then he felt another vibration.  
  
"OH, IT BURNS!!!!"  
  
"Shoot!" Malik punched in the number, one he didn't recognize. He couldn't call collect for this one, because it was long distance, and at some hotel. So he was required to waste his quarters.  
  
"Goodbye... my loverlies." Malik gazed fondly at his "loverlies", which could also be described as delightful, enjoyable, lovely, loving, or Having beauty that appeals to the emotions as well as to the eye. See Synonyms at beautiful. This according to the elite place known as   
  
Our Egyptian hero ---- cough, cough -- gaped at his collection of Georgia edition quarters some more, and then inserted them into the phone. "Au revoir..."  
  
"Hello?" came a strange sounding Egyptian voice. The voice sounded... distant, mysterious, and yet powerful in ways that Malik knew he could never imagine. And trust me, he'd tried, boring as his home life was.  
  
"BURRRRRRNSSSS!" The boy was still carrying on about that.  
  
"Oh, get a job!" Some lady whacked him with her black purse.  
  
"Moshi moshi, Shadi-kun. Listen, about you and my sister..."  
  
"Ah," Shadi changed his voice, sounding more panicked now, "umm, you must have the wrong number. I am no Shadi here – I mean, there is no Shadi here. I am a magical cow."  
  
Malik would now like to restate his thoughts during this transaction:  
  
....................Nani? Kare wa nani o iimashita?  
  
Translation: ....................What? What did he say?  
  
Now back to your usual reading program. And don't forget to review!!  
  
"Riiiiight..."  
  
"No, it's true!" the Egyptian insisted, "a magical black-spotted cow!"  
  
"Don't all cows have black spots?"  
  
"Not all of them," he responded mysteriously, and slightly seductively, causing Malik to sweat drop again. "So, do you believe me or not?"  
  
"Hmmm... let me think it over; No."  
  
"BELIEVE ME!!!!" Shadi boomed. "I AM A MAGICAL COW; HAVE A TASTE OF MY MAGIC!" The telephone booth started to levitate about five feet off the ground. Immediately, a small crowd formed, staring at the astounding sight before them.  
  
"Shadi you idiot!!" Malik panicked. "Stop, people are staring."  
  
"Let them stare," Shadi told him. "Let them witness the great wonder that is Borodou, the king of cows!! Gyuu! Gyuuuu!"  
  
"SHADI!!!!!"  
  
"It's Borodou!!"  
  
"BORODOU, STOP!" Malik glanced down at the people staring up at him with their shocked faces.  
  
"A-hAh!" Shadi laughed triumphantly. "So you ADMIT that my name is Borodou?"  
  
"No, uh, yes, uh – sorry wrong #!" Malik slammed down the phone. The telephone booth fell to the ground, smashing a small, four-year-old boy who's ball had rolled under it and had been sent by his manipulative older teenage brother to fetch it. He heard somebody laugh – via the teenage brother.  
  
"Some people..." Malik stepped out of the booth.  
  
"Maaaaaliiiiiik!!!" the deliciously delightful Egyptian teen [A/N: I'm having fun describing him, can't you tell?] turned to see... nothing.  
  
"Down here." Malik looked down and sweat dropped. There, standing before him, was Yugi Motou, one of the most kick-ass duelists in the entire world. Now, if only his stature wasn't so... diminutive... Malik sweat dropped again.  
  
"Oh, hi Yugi."  
  
"Did you get my message?" Yugi asked, his eyes lighting up. Then, a split second later, his whole face dimmed and he fumbled with his hands behind his back, suddenly looking very shy.  
  
"Yes, Yugi, I got the message from all of your friends," Malik informed him.  
  
"No, no, I meant... the one I sent you before that." Malik paled considerably. He did not want to talk about that under any circumstances.  
  
At least not in public.  
  
"Oh, um.... Sorry, my sister must have deleted that one before I got a chance to listen to it."  
  
"Oh," Yugi replied, visibly disappointed. "Um... well, then, let's go. The other guys are waiting, you know. Uh... Yami's not gonna be there," Yugi told him cautiously. But Malik was gone. "Huh? Malik?"  
  
Malik was storming ahead of the petite world-class duelist, grumbling to himself. Of course he remembered that phone call, the memory of it was indelible!! Oh, he wished he didn't remember it, but he did.  
  
"Do you suffer from insomnia?" Malik turned abruptly and gazed in a miffed manner at the TV screen that he had been watching sometime before.  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you toss and turn at night, trying to get asleep?"  
  
"No..." Malik responded boredly. Yugi finally caught up to him.  
  
"Hey, Malik, why'd you do that? I—"  
  
"Quiet," Malik dismissed him with a wave of his hands. Yugi shut up. Somewhere, Yami felt a pang in his heart as he wished he could shut Yugi's grandfather up in the same way.  
  
"And THIS magazine has been running since 1779..."  
  
"Yes, grandpa, yes that's great." Yami said awkwardly.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"THEN BUY A PS2! IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO WITH ALL OF THOSE NIGHT HOURS YOU TRY TO WASTE SLEEPING!! GIVE IN TO INSOMNIA!!! SLEEP SUCKS ANYWAY!!! I SHOULD KNOW!!! W00T!" And then, "Hey, who turned on the All Caps?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Thas'okay."  
  
Back with Malik and Yugi, who both had big, bad, HUMONGOUS sweat drops on the side of their heads, Yugi poked Malik hard in the arm.  
  
"Hey!" Malik grabbed his arm in the offended area. "What was THAT for??"  
  
Yugi pointed to Tea, who was running towards them.  
  
"Oh, crap," Malik stated, slapping his forehead. Yugi glared at him petulantly.  
  
"What??" Yugi demanded. "I was just saying that we had to go."  
  
Malik's eyes widened as he realized something. Yugi still was loyal towards his so-called friends. And that was just uncool. He also realized that Yugi was wearing leather that made him look rather hot, but Malik tried to ignore that fact seeing how he considered himself not gay. Are you getting bugged but the alternating italics yet? Hee hee hee...  
  
Yugi grabbed Malik's arm rather roughly and dragged him over towards Tea.  
  
"oO WTF?" Malik asked. Yugi stopped and looked at him.  
  
"Double u tee eff? What on Earth is that supposed to mean?" Yugi asked doubtfully. Malik brightened. Maybe Yugi was having second thoughts about liking him! This picnic could be a good thing! Maybe he could kill Tristan!!  
  
"It means, 'let go of me please,'" Malik lied.  
  
"Oh, okay. Sorry." Yugi gently released the handsome Egyptian boy. [A/N: ]  
  
"Er... thanks." Malik scratched his head. "Now, shall we go?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
And so, Malik and Yugi strolled grandiosely across the street, nearly getting hit by two navy blue Volkswagen Beetles and one white limo. Ahhhh, sweet serendipity. Suddenly, Malik's cell phone picked up...  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello, I'm from Do you like shounen-ai?"  
  
"He-ECK no!"  
  
"Yaaaaay!" an annoying brunette sounded.  
  
"Tea, go away," Malik commanded her.  
  
"Of course, my platinum-headed friend!!" Tea skipped back over to the picnic. The telemarketer continued.  
  
"Well then, here's a little something so cute, so fluffy, so... snotty... that you'll reach for a handkerchief!!! Not to cry, to wipe Yugi's nose!!"  
  
"I SAID I was SORRY!!!!" Next to Malik, Yugi burst out into tears, causing Malik to sweat drop heavily.  
  
"It's called "Cold Song" and it's by Sour Schuyler."  
  
"You're advertising your own fanfic. Sad."  
  
"Oh shut up.. And if you don't read it, Ryou gets pied!!"  
  
Meanwhile, on the other side of town... Ryou's Spidey senses were tingling.  
  
"WHAT!? No! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" the white-haired, extremely hot, incredibly cute, Brit shrieked. Ryou grabbed his hair and sucked his thumb. Fangirls all over the world awwwed.  
  
"SO GET MOVIN'!!!" the voice yelled, and then hung up. Malik stared at the phone. "Um... no. Weird people trying to make me read something." He tucked the phone safely away into his jacket pocket. It was a chilly day, thus the jacket.  
  
"I hate telemarketers," Yugi offered. Malik now realized that Yugi had to be considerably cold wearing such a... er... leather outfit.  
  
"Yeah, me too," Malik agreed. "So, uh, Yugi, what have you been doing lately?" Malik flushed. He didn't really want to talk to the midget, but if he was at a picnic and required to be there, he might as well act -- shuder -- social.  
  
"Well..." Yugi started, "I've been playing video games at my house and I guess everyone thinks I'm spending too much time by myself, and that's why they invited me instead of Yami. I—" Yugi blushed, "I've kind of been avoiding them... because someone I, um, have a crush on doesn't like them very much..." Yugi fingered the chains on his leather. "I, um, guess that seems selfish but..." He looked up and smiled sheepishly, only to see Malik staring at him intensely.  
  
"I really like this person," Yugi informed him quietly.  
  
"Oh," Malik said flatly. "Well, that's nice. I hope they like you too, Yugi." Not, he thought.  
  
Yugi grinned sheepishly. "Um, thanks Malik. I hope they do too."  
  
The two walked on, the grass snapping under their feet.  
  
"AAAAAAH!" one particular blade of grass screamed, "MASSACRE...."  
  
"SAVE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!" another blade shouted.  
  
"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU TELL???" another blade screeched.  
  
"UH... I can't," the blade confessed morosely.  
  
"Idiot."  
  
"Um, hey Malik?" Yugi asked.  
  
"Yeah Yugi?"  
  
"Why do you have both a cell phone AND a pager?"  
  
Sweat drop. "You know, I never really thought about that."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Hi Malik-kun!!" Tea attacked Malik from the front, jumping on him and wrapping her arms around his neck. "We've missed you!!!"  
  
Malik's face burned. Here he was, in the middle of a public park, and there was some bimbo attaching herself to him.  
  
"Oh... my... GOD..." Next to him, Yugi was hyperventilating, and Malik couldn't figure out why.  
  
Inside Malik Ishtar's mind...  
  
Perversion: Heheh, this feels nice...  
  
Common Sense: This is SOOOO embarrassing...  
  
Yami Malik, all the way from Zambia: GET HER OOOFF!  
  
Outside of Malik Ishtar's mind...  
  
The Eye of Horus began to shine noticeably on Malik's forehead. He suddenly pushed Tea away with such force, that she FLEW across the park.  
  
"Wheeeee!" she cried happily, flapping her arms. "I'm a BIRDIEEEEE!" She then crashed into a buxom woman wearing all brown, engendering a striking resemblance to a piece of poo.  
  
"Ewwwww I banged into a TOILET!" Tea screeched, and she sprinted full-speed towards them, tripping over Tristan and crashing face first into the grassy dirt.  
  
"IT'S A FULL-FLEDGED WAR OUT THERE!" one blade o' grass screamed.  
  
"TRU DAT MA HOMEY!" another blade screeched. The first blade of grass sweat dropped – er, I mean dew dropped.  
  
Yugi sweat dropped. "Let's just picnic. But first things first." He went up to Malik and fettered him. Malik sweat dropped.  
  
"Uh... Yugi?" Malik looked innocently and confusedly towards his blonde crusher.  
  
"Shut up and eat," Yugi snapped petulantly. Yugi was, apparently, in a bad mood for some reason.  
  
Oh dear God, Malik thought to himself. Please don't tell me that Yugi's mad because Tea was hanging all over me! I mean, there is no way in Hell's butt- ugly basement that I would even think about liking her!!!  
  
Okay, Yami Malik replied all the way from Zambia, I won't tell you. Malik sweat dropped, then noticed Joey waving a jar of jam in front of his face.  
  
Whew!! 10 pages!! It guess I'm making this a two-parter!! I wasn't intending to, but I suppose it's for the best ne? Don't worry!! After the picnic is over I'm going to do more good 'ol chapters like chapter 1! And I decided that there is going to be a sequel to this!! 


	6. Picnic Terror II: Inconvenient Jelly Blo...

Reviews: 11 Votes: 2 Winning Choice: D  
  
Heh, I was gonna choose that anyway. I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, Sprite, Freakazoid or Schmuckers. I also do not own and have never SEEN Ghostbusters, sad deprived soul that I am. And I have never met Douglas Noël Adams or Fredrick Chiluba. Douglas Adams is dead, though. Hey, I just noticed that his initials spell D.N.A.!! =-= Lampoonery is fun.  
  
I DO own Blade, the weird talking piece of grass, his twin, Blaze, and Kate, the incredibly fat woman who wears too much lipstick and resembles a blown-up Mr. Hankey – which I don't own. Oh, and in this chappie thoughts are in-between ''s because of the stupid quick edit format knocking off my smiley faces. U.U May they rest in peace happily... and still smiling. Lol, let's go!!  
  
Oh! And I edited Chapter 5, now there is a little more description and everything is spelled right, EXCEPT for the word "shudder" which I spelled "shuder" because it oddly reminded me of a cow. xX I am also planning to redo parts of Chapter 4 to make them more funny, so beware.  
  
"Yooooo, Ishtar!!!" Wheeler was calling, leaning across the red-and-white checkered picnic blanket. "Don't you want some jelly?" Joey grinned his dopey grin. Malik, looking extremely bored, grabbed a piece of bread in a huff.  
  
"Fine," Malik replied stuffily, "lay it on me."  
  
Joey unscrewed the jelly too roughly, causing it to fall on Malik's new shirt.  
  
"Oooooops, sorrry Malik!" Joey said cheerfully. Malik glared at him.  
  
"That's, okay," Malik growled between clenched teeth. Inside Malik was seething, but he knew that if Odion caught wind that he had slaughtered somebody intentionally he would be grounded for life... or at least until next week, which would suck. Yugi casually tossed him a worried look, but then went back to enjoying his all-jelly sandwich. Eeyuck.  
  
"Here, let me clean dat off for you!" Joey grabbed a napkin and starting wiping off Malik's shirt. Since he was leaning at nearly a 135º angle, he fell face-first onto Malik's lap.  
  
"OO;;" went Yugi.  
  
"OO;;" went Malik.  
  
". Does anyone feel a draft?" Tristan took another bite out of his all- peanut butter sandwich.  
  
Joey shoved himself up. "He he, sorry about that!" He then took the napkin and wiped off Malik's shirt, in the process placing one of his hands on Malik's thighs.  
  
'OO;;; OMG! What the fuzzuck does he think he's doing!?' Malik stared wide- eyed at Joey's hand. '--;; I'm staring at his hand.' Joey nearly fell again, causing him to tense, and his hand clamp down.  
  
' He just groped meh!!!'  
  
"Ohhhh, sorry Malik, I grabbed ya too tight." Joey sat up and winked at him. "Well, your shirts all clean!!"  
  
Malik looked down. He had a huge water stain down his front.  
  
'Great,' he thought, 'just great.' He looked up. "Uhh... thanks." He then tried to stand up, but the shackles around his ankles prevented him from going anywhere.  
  
"Damn it!!" Malik yelled. Yugi, Joey and Tristan turned around to stare at him. Malik noticed that Yugi looked like a deer caught in the glare of headlights. It was kind of cute, actually. He reminded Malik of an elf.  
  
'...DAMN!' Malik screamed at himself. 'I JUST CALLED YUGI CUTE! DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!'  
  
"Sorry, Mal', did I not do a good enough job for ya? I can try again, if you like." Joey pointed at Malik's pants, too. "You got some on your pants, too."  
  
Malik looked down at his baggy sweatpants to see a little blob of jelly...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...right near his crotch.  
  
"Here let me get that for you." Joey started to reach for his....  
  
BWAM!  
  
"Get away from me you stupid freak!!! Stop trying to molest me!! And never call me Mal!!" Malik narrowed his eyes at the fellow blonde teen, determining that Seto Kaiba was right – Joey DID closely resemble a dog. Especially a Golden Retriever. Yugi could be a Chihuahua, though, and Tristan could be a German Shepard. Tea would be...  
  
'o.O;; Why am I comparing people do dogs???' Malik asked himself. 'I must be going crazy.' He turned over to Yugi, who had his back turned to him, and was slowly chewing his sandwich. The irresistible blonde midget slowly reached for a nice, icy cool can of refreshing Sprite. 'Yugi, help me!! Don't you like me or something!?! Call him off!! He's YOUR bitch! He'll listen!!' Malik then sighed and sat down. After the morbid task of removing the blob of jelly with a napkin, Malik flung it at Joey's face. It landed right where he wanted it to, spreading the jelly blob all over Joey's nose.  
  
"Here, eat that you dog," Malik told him, only to face fault as he discovered Joey in tears, trembling with laughter as he peeled the napkin off and wiped off the blob, making it look like he was picking his nose.  
  
"What's so funny??" he hissed angrily. Wheeler was supposed to be angry, and HE was the one who was supposed to be laughing. Joey sat up, quivering with inward laughs.  
  
"Geez, Malik, I would never try to molest you. You know me better than that. And... and..." Joey laughed again, "look!!!"  
  
Malik followed Joey's slender fingers to see Tea fighting off the woman she had crashed into with a golden purse. The purse had the Eye of Horus and was shooting laser beams at the ridiculously fat woman.  
  
"Noooooo!" the fattie fat fat woman – let's name her Kate (no offense to any Kates out there) – yelled as she fell in slow motion onto a sandbox, smashing two little boys to death and seriously wounding their brand spankin' new blue toy trucks.  
  
"Run for your life!!! Uproot yourselves!!!" the odd talking grass shouted.  
  
"I can't!!" came the replies from dozens of blades.  
  
"Nooooo!" Blade the blade of grass screamed. "We're doomed!!"  
  
"DON'T GIVE UP MAN! DON'T GIVE U—" Blaze, Blade's twin brother, went down.  
  
"Nooooooooooooo Blaaaaaze!" Blade sobbed, dew trickling down his stalk. "WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME!?"  
  
Blackie, the red maple leaf lying next to them (as he was a veteran in the Autumn Breeze war, and awarded a purple heart), dew dropped.  
  
"Hey Malik! Is that some jelly on your chin? Can I have it?" Malik's eyes widened as he envisioned Joey attempting to lick the offending tasty blob off, and he was eternally grateful as his cell phone started to ring. And so, being thankful, and it being around November anyway, he decided to celebrate Thanksgiving early and say a prayer.  
  
"Oh thank you o holy messaging device which I revere and worship! Amen." Malik then kissed his phone fondly, but found that Joey was gawking at him, smiling, and that the phone was till ringing and tasted really nasty and metallic-y. He fumbled with it.  
  
"Um, no, Joey. No you can't," he answered quietly, and then he clicked the 'talk' button.  
  
"Hello?" Malik snapped, annoyed. He was being ogled by a man who closely resembled a golden retriever here! What was there to like!? Although he did have nice hair, Malik had to admit. Still, he was in no mood for games.  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP  
  
"Ugh, for God sakes stop censoring it out!" Malik raved. Then realization struck him. "Ow!! ...Oh. Ohhhh. It's a dial tone. Right. I missed it."  
  
Joey was grinning that cheesy grin, making Malik futilely resist smacking him.  
  
"Must... resist... violence... I know! Look at clothes!" Malik turned his head at a creepy 90° angle to look, but not touch, Tristan. The oddly passive brunette was wearing his gaudy tan trench coat from the Duelist Kingdom saga in Season 1 – although how Malik knew this he didn't quite know. He cluelessly (dumbly) scratched his head. He then turned to Joey, who was... staring at him... creepily. Ugh. The idiotic blonde's mouth was open, (just waiting for the too daring and ambitious fly,) and worst of all his tongue was hanging out. Malik wrinkled his nose in disgust, and descended his gaze towards Joey's ensemble. The Wheel'meister was sporting baggy, dark blue Levi's and a sky blue cotton shirt with a white collar and heavy deodorant stains around the armpits. Malik rolled his eyes and huffed, and then turned to the last friendship freak. Yugi Motou, his prospective crusher. Malik nodded in approval at Yugi's leather jeans, tight white muscle shirt with his school uniform jacket over it. He was also wearing the Millennium Puzzle, but as Yugi had said Yami was out of the puzzle doing... whatever it was he does. Yelling at Kaiba, playing Duel Monsters, watching porn. Whatever.  
  
Tristan got up and stretched. He eyes Joey suspiciously.  
  
"Hey Joey," he started casually, "do you want to go to the Domino Arcade? It's right across the street."  
  
"DO I!?" Joey said in Freakazoid's voice. "Let's go!!!" And he grabbed Tristan and ran off towards the arcade, stopping traffic because he ran right across the street.  
  
Malik looked around. Near the Sandbox, Tea was doing a victory dance, and a dark brown, black-spotted bloodhound was defecating near a tree. Now Yugi and Malik were alone – well, not counting the thousands of blade's of grass around them, but, then again, nobody cares about them but the Twilight zone. And hippies. ...Nah, hippies don't either. Pimps.  
  
Anyway, they were alone. Yugi finally turned around, and Malik saw him blushing. Malik would've mouthed off with a sarcastic comment right about then, but then he realized – getting a little close to Little Yugi would get him a litter closER to the Millennium Puzzle! So, he decided to stay for just a little bit longer. However, the gyves and fetters might have played a slightly influential role in his decision. His cell phone rang again. Yugi stared at it blankly. Malik sweat dropped.  
  
'Is he high?' Malik wondered. 'Nah... must've been that sandwich. Unless there were drugs IN the sandwich... Nah.'  
  
"Um... Malik," Yugi started to say, "your... your cell's ringing."  
  
"Oh, thank you Yugi." Malik reached for the phone.  
  
"You have 10 new messages," a creepy man's voice said. Yugi and Malik both paled and gulped. They didn't DARE disturb the voices. The voices could bring death. And death was not good. At least that's what the latest statistics show.  
  
"Hiiii Malik! I'm still in Las Vegas where I said I was! Shadi and I are getting along GREAT! We're really hitting it off! It's nice. Oh, and I got a call from you're darker side! Says he's doing fine! The African people are treating him like GOD! Funny, huh? They're giving him crowns and jewelry and stuff. - Kick ass! Well, I've got to go dear brother, and play more poker. Ta ta!"  
  
Yugi and Malik both stared at the phone after the message ended. Malik looked up, only to see Yugi's incredibly cute face. Yugi froze, seeing as Malik's gaze was upon him, and then he s-l-o-w-l-y looked up to meet Malik's resplendent gaze. He nearly fainted when he saw Malik's eyes. I mean, Malik's eyes are helluva cool, okay!?!? They're so... misty.... Yeah.  
  
Malik turned away grumpily from the benign character. "Um... next message." Malik pressed the appropriate button, and suddenly he heard police sirens! He jumped up and looked around. Yugi's eyes went wide. Suddenly, they both realized where the alarm noises were coming from.  
  
They both turned to the cell phone.  
  
"M...bzzt MALIK! He... bzzt Hell has chocolate pudding!! bzzt bzzt Oh yeah, and bzzt Heeeelllllppp!"  
  
Yami Marik's voice came screaming through the small phone, causing it to tremble.  
  
"I'm halfway between Kasama and Chipata, hiding near the Lake of Bangweulu. The small village of Marik, which I named after us, is on the border of Tanzania. I'm... not scared. That's not like me. Um... DESTROY! Yeah! Heheh, that's it Marik, got to keep your rep intact... oh, crud, it this thing still on?!? O.O SHIT!!! Um, bye now. Tell Ishizu I love her. Wherever the heck she is. She better not be messing around with Shadi, he's an asshole. I know you agree? Um... yeah." "STOP, FUCKER!!!" "Oh yeah!!?!? That's pretty good language skills coming from an old man that looks like skin and bones! Don't people like you only make up 2.8% of the population!? Ha ha!!" "GET HIM!!" "RAAAAAAAH!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Run run run run rum! Rum... hehe... Rum is good. Ahhhhhhhh!" BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.  
  
"God damnit." Malik fumbled with the phone. "Oh, sorry Yugi." He looked up to see Yugi staring at him with wide-open eyes. "God dangit, just when I thought your eyes couldn't get any wider. You're so sheltered." Yugi cracked a smile.  
  
"Heh, I know what you mean. Everyone says that about my eyes." Yugi grinned. "You should see me with glasses!"  
  
Malik couldn't help but grin. "They say that they're sheltered?"  
  
"No!" Yugi laughed.  
  
"Well, we've got 8 messages to go."  
  
"Just skip it," Yugi advised him. "Wanna go to the arcade with Joey and Tristan?" Malik stuck his tongue out.  
  
"No, no, that's okay. We have to listen to the messages. It's the point of this fanfic."  
  
"This fan-what?"  
  
"Fanfic. We're just fictional characters being manipulated by a teenage girl for comedic results," Malik explained. Yugi's eyes shone with recognition.  
  
"Oh yeah! That girl who for some inexplicable reason likes pairing Bakura up with Tea or Ryou!" Malik nodded gravely.  
  
"So let's listen," he advised.  
  
"Press 1 to delete message. Press 2 to save this message. Press 3 to reply to this message. Press 4 to—" Malik pressed 1 quickly. There was a beep, and then the next message began.  
  
"Hi... hehe. Is your... hah, this is a good one Rex— is your refridgerator running?? Hee hee, well you better go catch it!! Haw haw haw!" "Good one Weevil!" "Thanks, Mako."  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Press—" Malik pressed one again.  
  
"Konnichi wa, atashi no ototo!! Kaibasan wa kaado ni kaerimashita ka?" Ishizu's sexy voice spoke Japanese. =-;;= Um... I'm a girl, so, I'm just saying that for the guys...  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Press—" Malik pressed the 1 button and held it, creating a long beeping noise. Yugi giggled. Malik smiled at him.  
  
"Hello, my name is Dave Robertsky IV, but you can call me Bob. Are you interested in trying our new kind of bug spray? It—"  
  
Malik pressed 2 and listened to the next message carefully. Yugi face faulted.  
  
"Iiii'm, too sexy for my shorts, too sexy for my shorts, too sexy—" "O.O Mako, what in the world are you DOING, man!?" "Shut up Rex! I'm making a crank call." "o.o; Oh. But do you have to take off your clothes as your singing it?" "Shut up, I— Oops!" BEEP.  
  
"Press 1 to delete this message. Press 2 to save this message. Press..." the phone kept listing the options as Yugi and Malik cracked up.  
  
"Save it!!" Yugi urged him. Malik promptly pressed 2, and they continued to listen.  
  
"Hi Malik!!!!!!! I just remembered, you're too stupid to listen to Japanese!!! Even though you LIVE in Japan!! Loser! But then again, didn't the author say in Chapter 4 that Yugi was wondering, along with the rest of AMERICA, where in the world Matt Lower was? I sense a plothole! Ah well! I said in my last message that I wanted to know whether or not Kaiba had returned the Obelisk. I'm not sure I said it right, though." "A-HEM. Ishizu, can we get back to business?" "Oh, sure Shadi. Well, I gotta go Malik, see you later! I guess. !! Ohhhh yeaaaah.... Shadi just like that, yeaaaah..."  
  
Yugi stared WIDE-eyed at the phone. And mean I say wide, I mean WIDE. His face was basically two eyeballs with a blonde mane crowning it. Oh, and his eyes were cartoonish – white with two tiny black dots near the bottom.  
  
Next to him, Malik was trembling with rage.  
  
"Um, Malik, maybe you oughto calm down," Yugi suggested. Malik glared at him, red fire in his eyes. "He he, well all I mean is that she's old enough to make her own decisions... she's 20-something, isn't she?"  
  
Malik looked up at the sky, which was suddenly gray and stormy-looking. A light drizzle began to fall all around him.  
  
"THAT ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The cell phone bounced on the ground.  
  
"Malik!! I heard about Ishizu and Shadi! That ass—" BEEP. Yugi picked it up and pressed 1, curious as to what the Malik's other personage had to say.  
  
"—hole, I will fuck him up good!!! Ew, not THAT way!!! HEY! HEY WHO THE HECK ARE YOU!?!?" "I am Frederick CHILUBA, the former president of Zambia!! And I like you bad boy!" "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Okay Yugi bye. Yes I know its you, and I know you like my other self—er, I mean my COUSIN. (Can't tell people the truth you know.) Eheh, goodbye, I have to run now. EWWWWWWWWWWWrunrunrunrunrunEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!" "No, wait!!! I didn't mean it THAT way!!! I want to help you!! WAAAAIIIIT!!!" Yugi sweat dropped heavily, then looked up at Malik who was still screaming at the sky.  
  
"Oh boy." Yugi put on his sweet-innocent face. "Malik?"  
  
Malik continued to scream for a second, then stopped. "Yes Yugi?" he asked, his voice a little crackly because of a developing sore throat.  
  
"Do... do you want to go watch Ghost Buster at the movie theater?" Malik stared at him curiously.  
  
"They have that?"  
  
"Yeah," Yugi informed him innocently, "it's the Super Ultra Extended Version With Bonus Footage 9.0." Malik sweat dropped.  
  
"Umm... sure!" Malik said without thinking. "Wait... as a date?"  
  
Yugi blushed. "Umm... no no no no no. Just us, as friends. Hanging out. You know?"  
  
Malik jumped up. "Yeah, I know. Sure, let's go!" He attempted to race off towards the Domino Theater, laughing, as that would be a good end to any chapter and or episode thingy, but the gyves around his legs prevented him from going anywhere. "OWWW!! Um... Yugi...?"  
  
"Oh, sure." Yugi quickly took off the gyves, fetters, shackles and manacles that had been keeping Malik in place and preventing him from killing anyone.  
  
Yami Marik, all the way in Zambia, striding towards Chipata, wondered whether or not Malik would've said yes if it had been a date and how Douglas Noël Adams came up with the number 42.  
  
'Ha ha, that's a pretty good ending, right? Ha ha ha, I'm better than my lighter half... yeah.' Yami Marik kissed his muscles. 'I am God!! Or... I was God.' He looked back to see the angry townspeople of Marik death glaring at him and shaking their pitchforks and torches. Where they had gotten the torches, he didn't know, though the pitchforks had been bought at the local Pitchforks 'R' Us about a half a mile back.  
  
'Oh crud!! RUN!!!!!'  
  
REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW  
  
This chapter goes with special thanks to those who voted:  
  
Random person number 3 Sephiroth or Anime-Crazy2  
  
May many thankies from God Almighty place themselves upon your soul... Was that too deep? o.O;; Okay, I'll dumb it up a bit. Uh, thanks. I appreciate it. Thank you!!  
  
DANGIT It won't work!!! I want my smiley faces!!!!! Um.... =)  
  
.. It's just not the same...  
  
WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
sniffles morosely Please review!!!! I really want tons of reviews, because that's just how I am.  
  
WARNING: If you DON'T review this chappie BEFORE going to the next, I probably won't upload two chapters at a time again. I'm serious. Okay? So.... Click that little button... HEY! NOT THE ARROW BUTTON! THE GO BUTTON!!! Sheez... Ja mata ne!  
  
(Melissa, I reaaaally don't think it means that.... But then again I'm not smart. drools a bit Doi...) 


	7. Who Do You Dance For?

The Time: Some Time After The Last Chap. The Present Progressive Tensed Words of the Day: mascaraing, dumbing, gyving. Who says? The authoress known by some as Danielle. Why? Por que por que. Which could mean four things right there.  
  
Malik tentatively opened the door. In front of him, all he could see was an everlasting abyss of darkness.  
  
"You have, 2, new, messages," came a man's voice. "SO BUST A MOVE, SUCKA!!!" Malik, startled, dropped to the floor and started breakdancing... startlingly. XD That is until Yugi tripped over.  
  
"Ahhhh!" Yugi waved his arm, trying to keep his balance. "Whoaaa! Sheez, Malik, didju have to do that THERE?"  
  
"Sorry, Yugi," Malik grinned.  
  
"Maaaaliiiiiik! Maaaaaaaaliiiiiiiiiiik! I am the ghost of Humpacamel!!!!! You killed me last weeeeeek! Rememberrrrr? The spriiiiiiinkler incident?"  
  
Malik gulped. He remembered.  
  
"Well I'm coming to geeeeeetchuuuuuu! MU-AH ha HA ha HAAA!!"  
  
The voice sort of... faded away before the beep. Then another message started playing.  
  
"Pik-A-chu!!!!" "Hello my name is David Robertsky IV, but you can call me Bob!"  
  
"Haven't we gotten a message from him before?" Yugi asked, fidgeting with his hands out of boredom.  
  
"Sure Yugi," Malik replied quickly, not bothering to correct that it had been HIM who received the message, not WE.  
  
"Tired of trying to figure out how to get to fight the ghost Pok'emon in Lavender town? Or wondering when in the world your Bulbasaur will learn Solar Beam? Well wonder no more! Just order our Pok'emon Travel Guide! It will tell you all you need to know about the towns in Pok'emon! Read about their personal history, like when Brock I, the great-great-great-granddaddy of the Brock we know today, founded the Pok'emon Lab in Cinnabar! YES! Go go go and buy buy buy today! It's absolutely FREE with shipping and handling! ORDERRRRRR... wait... wait for it... waiting... wait yeah... NOW!" PING! "Pok'emontravelguidemaynotactuallyhelpwithactualbattlingandgamestrategy. Itemisfreewithshippingandhandling. Shippingandhandlingcostis$8.99$9.99and¼ofacentinCanada. ThankyoufortakingthetimeouttotrytoreadwhatI'msayingeventhoughyou (breath) alreadysuspectthisisasham. YouAREtheweakestlinkgoodbye."  
  
"Ummm..." Yugi said doubtfully, but waterfalls of drool were spewing from Malik's mouth.  
  
"MUST BUY POK'EMON TRAVEL GUIDE!!!" Malik grabbed the phone and started dialing.  
  
Sweat drop. "You still play Pok'emon?"  
  
"Only Pok'emon Red," Malik advised him.  
  
"Oh. Why just that one?"  
  
"I already beat Pok'emon Gold and Silver, but I can't figure out how to beat Red." Yugi sweat dropped.  
  
"You can't?"  
  
"No." Malik sniffled morosely. Yugi's face lit up with a grin.  
  
"KAWAII!!!!" Yugi couldn't help but glomp him. And he stayed like that, his arms around Malik while he ordered the phony strategy guide. Then Malik kickdropped him.  
  
"OOF!!!!" Yugi yelled as he hit the floor. "So... ya wanna play video games?"  
  
"The only video game I have is..." Malik paused, "Silent Hill..." There's no way he's going to like that game. It's rated M and has general insanity.  
  
"Silent Hill? I LOVE Silent Hill! Is it for Xbox 'cause Xbox is great."  
  
Malik dropped to the floor anime style and then started breakdancing again.  
  
'Could it be?' Malik wondered. 'Could it be that Yugi's... awesome?' Malik mulled the suggestion over, completely ignoring Yugi, who was now talking non-stop like a gossiping school girl, hyperactivity taking over. 'Nahh!'  
  
--;; This was supposed to be a super short chapter... Review. I'll update when I get 10 reviews, haha. 


	8. MAM the video game! Yami Marik nearly ru...

I've reached 80 reviews!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 Thanks to everbody who helped me get there!  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Sonic19902, because he UPDATED! And helped me to figure out how the heck you get stuff uploaded in the HTML format. Thankies!  
  
Author's Note:  
  
Hi!! This chapter might seem kind of weird. The beginning of it was taken from deep inside the dark depths of my comp, from the bowels of a folder that I.... use everyday actually. --;; Anyway, the beginning was taken from a fic that I believe I was going to make yaoi. O.O;; So if it seems a bit out of place, I'm sorry. Actually, it shouldn't, because I hadn't gotten very far – only up to "Perhaps you've worked enough on your homework tonight, Yami." So I guess it shouldn't. Plus there's one PARAGRAPH where I describe Yugi's hair that I wrote awhile ago for some obsolete purpose that I can't remember. ::  
  
I am pleased to be getting so much feedback for this fanfiction!! It really, REALLY makes me happy. When I get a lot of reviews, I tend to want to update faster. Like just a second ago, I was going to finish reading a fanfiction, but then I got a review for this and decided to keep working.  
  
Some random review responses:  
  
Sephiroth or Anime-Crazy2 – Yes, I am planning for this story to have 17 chapters. AND YOU BETTER REVIEW EACH ONE!!!! Lol, just kidding.  
  
Akio the Dragon Master – Oh, come on Megan, you know me. Would I make Malik do that? Hee hee. Oh, and I'm glad your parents didn't either. --;;  
  
Mrs-Hyde – Thank you.  
  
cwthewolf – Time to go back to wearing diapers, ne? Glad you enjoyed it. I loved your story with the duck. 'Twas very humourous. I like the word 'twas. =-=  
  
RowanGirl – SIR YES SIR! Err, MA'AM! Oh, BTW, I liked receiving your review. My eyes widened, and then I dropped and gave you 20.  
  
Random person number 3 – 'Seto-kun' has given up trench coats for raincoats. Apparently he realized his white trenchie, although awesome, was also ostentatiously gaudy in the way it always stayed up in the back.  
  
Ioa – You didn't HAVE to. You CHOSE to. Which made me feel special. Unlike Akio, you have a choice about whether or not you review. Thanks for taking the time out to make all of my writing feel worth it!  
  
Obscured Illusions – That's exactly what I'm going for. &:&:  
  
Chetra-card – Thanks for not being afraid to tell me what you don't like! I really really appreciate it so much and hope you continue to give me criticism!!  
  
FireNeiko - Yo. Whassup? Your spelling is atrocious, even in your reviews! But I forgive you anyway. So whazzzzaaaaaaap!? Oh and did you want me to revise your spelling for Gundam 06?? 'Cause I will, if you give me credit for it. I'm a little self-centered.  
  
Cerebi Motou – I love your penname. - Ish very cute! Um... yeah! I'm glad to know that you liked me fanfics!! =-=  
  
bakuralover-2008 – Yesh, YOU will have to keep reading and find out. Unlike Akio, who knows me well enough that she will know what I am doing... hopefully.  
  
Chibifan127 – This is what Yugi has to say to you.  
  
Yugi- :P BLEH!!!! He's mine, girl! Mine mine mine all mine!  
  
Keep in mind that this is in response for your review for 'Cold Song', not this fanfic. ;  
  
Akio the Dragon – If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be updating so soon! ; So I hope you work more on the Pharaoh and I... Hint, hint.  
  
Mecha Scorpion – Bummer about your story. ;-; That really stinks!  
  
MAIDEN OF TIME AND SPACE – Hope you get your account back soon. I certainly can't wait to read your stuff!!  
  
Oh!! And before I continue, by the time I will have posted this up, I will have replaced the content for Chapter 4 with new, better content. Not so much 'new' as edited. It just adds in more humor. If you like, you could backtrack and read it. If you REALLY like it, you could even log off and then review it again annonymously!! That would be so cool. If anybody does that... I'll dedicate the next chappie to you, 'kay? Chapter 7 has also been updated with about two sentences of new content. (sweat drops)  
  
Ryou: That's blackmail!  
  
o.O Strange... I don't remember having muses for this fic.  
  
Ryou: crosses his arms And why don't I have a bigger role in this fic? I'm a very important character, you know.  
  
o.O Um, actually, you're—  
  
Ryou: WHATEVER! I'll be in my trailer. Uh! walks over to his "trailer", which is more like a two-story house on wheels made out of the same material as a mobile home  
  
o.O;;; Um... riiiight... He's been watching Totally Spies again, hasn't he?  
  
Malik: (shudders) Eeeeeevil.  
  
You too!?! You're my muse now!?  
  
Malik: Ah hush up.  
  
.....  
  
Malik: Where's the snappy comeback?  
  
(very quietly) You told me to shut up.  
  
Malik: Oh. Well... (scratches his head) Sure, that's okay. Go ahead, then.  
  
............  
  
.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... (whispers) Please review. This has been a really long Author's Note. It's taken up an entire two pages and 1/3. O.O;; Chapters 4,5, and 7 have been updated with second drafts. Go. Have fun. And review if you haven't. (leers at you) Go ahead, do it. I dare you.  
  
Okay! Enough of the Author's Note thing! To quote SEGA's Charmy the Bee, "It's time to rock and roll!" ( And Charmy is the Bee's knees, lol!)  
  
Enter the MAM video game. Everything has about the same graphics as the old version of Resident Evil 1. If you don't know what that looks like, go to Residentevilfan on the 'net and look at screen shots or something. Yami is sitting at a table, as is customary for most normal people to do, his arm writing. Everytime his elbow moves to the right, you can SEE, THROUGH the corner of the table. - Just like in a video game!!  
  
Who is this girl? Yami thought. And why is she screaming in the present tense? She's grating my nerves.  
  
"Ho ho," quipped the familiar and friendly Solomon Motou. "Perhaps you've worked enough on your English homework tonight, Yami."  
  
"Alright Grandpa Motou," Yami replied with a relieved sigh. He put down his yellow pencil and looked at the whitewashed screen door. "That's strange, Yugi isn't back yet."  
  
"Ho ho," Solomon ho-ho'd for no reason at all. "I'm ho ho-ing."  
  
Yami sweat dropped. "Well go you, Santa Claus."  
  
Solomon got a tick mark on his head. "Heyy!!!" [A/N: Tick mark is what I call those veins sticking out of people's heads in anime. Did you know I realized last night that Teen Titans is really anime? Weeeird. It's American, but GOOD! That's so rare. I mean, Totally Spies is... okay I'll shut up now.]  
  
As Solomon bashed Yugi on the head with his abnormally large hands (considering his diminuitive height, according to other elderly personages anyhow), Yugi entered the kitchen through the door.  
  
Start the FMV scene... Everything is negative except for the crystalline rain droplets that I will talk about........................... NOW.  
  
It had been raining as Yugi walked home. Though now the rain had stopped, leaving a muggy feeling to the air, [A/N: Muggle!! =-= Random] Yugi was dripping wet. He shook his head slowly. The separate crystal droplets each flew in different directions, each taking its due course, whether that be to soar and splat to the wooden floorboards in death or to cling to Yugi's blondes locks, pleading for a second chance at life. A bunch of the droplets hit the floor.  
  
End FMV scene. Everything suddenly starts to look like anime again. Thank goodness!  
  
"Um....." Yami stared. "That was crappy."  
  
Yugi sweat dropped. "Yeah, I know. Resident Evil 1 is like that." The boy then turned his back on the ALL-POWERFUL, SUPER-IMPORTANT SPIRIT to talk to his OLD, SENILE OLD MAN'S OLD MAN. And boy, is Solomon old. I mean he's like 82. I think that's his exact age. But he's funny so he's still hip. ;; I can't believe I wrote that...  
  
"I'm back, Grandpa." Yugi continued cautiously, "Uhh... I got your magazine..."  
  
"Splendid!" Solomon popped out of a strange pile of newspapers that I hadn't mentioned until now, badly mimicking a cross between Pegasus and a very posh Ryou.  
  
"There are newspapers here," Solomon informed himself shadily. "Read them? Yes No. Yes." The headlines of the newspapers were these:  
  
'PEGASUS POURS ORANGE CHEESE ON HIS VISITORS FROM HIS MACHICOLATION, DETAILS ON PAGE 4.'  
  
'PEGASUS HAMSHACKLES HIMSELF ON HIS SPARKLY DARK BLUE CAR, DETAILS ABOUT THE CAR ON PAGE 5.'  
  
'PEGASUS GOES A-SAILING AND DROPS HIS FAKE EYE DOWN A BUNGHOLE, DETAILS IN THE OBITUARIES.'  
  
'PEGASUS SAYS GYVES ARE STYLIN', DETAILS RIGHT BELOW THIS PICTURE OF HIM MORON. RIGHT HERE ON THE FRONT PAGE! THERE... THERE. NO YOU SEE. SEXY, AIN'T 'E?"  
  
Yugi and Yami sweatdropped.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiight,' Yugi said, uh... sweat dropping.  
  
"So, Yugi," Yami said, completely ignoring the senile & perverted man playing in newspaper which had already been used by their cat Amelda to line litterboxes. (EW!) "Where have you been?"  
  
"Oh, uh, you know, hanging out and stuff." Yugi flushed guiltily, remembering Yami's earlier warning.  
  
"Oh really? With who? I saw Joey and Tristan hanging out with Tristan's girlfriend sometime between Chapter 7 and this one." Yugi face faulted.  
  
"He HAS a girlfriend?"  
  
"He has a girlfriend," Yami proclaimed. "So, who were you with?"  
  
Several perverted definitions for the word 'with' flew through our tiny cutie's head. He shook his head.  
  
"Um... I was with... Tea."  
  
"Tea?"  
  
"Yeah, Tea."  
  
"THE Tea?"  
  
"Tea."  
  
"THE Tea Perversion Gardner?"  
  
Yugi sweat dropped, but held his ground.  
  
"Uh-huh. Is Perversion really her middle name?" Yugi inquired curiously.  
  
"You bet your candy ass it is." Yami briskly went back to sorting his papers. Yugi sweat dropped.  
  
'My ass is edible?' Yugi mused. 'I never knew...' Suddenly something in his vest pocket started to ring. Startled, he pulled it out to reveal...  
  
DUN DUH NUUUUUUUH!  
  
....Malik's cell phone. Yugi gulped.  
  
"Yugi," Yami asked suspiciously, his eyes narrowing. "Whose is that?"  
  
"Uhh... Tea's?" Yugi suggested.  
  
"So you're telling me that Tea's cell phone is a Nokia with crappy reception and the word 'kill' on the back written with white out."  
  
"Uhm... yes?"  
  
"Oh! Okay!"  
  
Yugi fell over. Unfortunately, the phone fell with him, and the messages came.  
  
Doom doom doom! Zoom zoom zoom! Zoom zoom zoom zoom!  
  
"Dear person who I will not name because it is convenient!! It is I, Yami Marik!!! Yes, that HOT guy from Battle City!!"  
  
Yugi slapped his face. "Ow."  
  
"I am calling to tell you that Fredrick Chiluba is helping me escape to France! And also, I found Matt Lower! He was huddled in an abandoned military base in Nangweshi. His teeth were chattering and he was babbling about the fiery monkey gods... foolish mortal, he should worship ME! And you should too."  
  
Yugi stupidly slapped his face again. "Oi!!"  
  
"The weird thing is he had icicles hanging from his chin... but he doesn't have a beard, and the weather here is... tropical; modified by altitude; rainy season (October to April)."  
  
Yugi sweat dropped. "The author doesn't own that sentence," he whispered. "She got it off a web site."  
  
"What did you say Yugi?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Anyway... I've got to go destroy things now! GOODBYE! MU AH HA HA HA HA!!! Wait a second, mu? Why did I say mu? I'm not Borodou... 'K see ya ja ne."  
  
BEEP.  
  
Yugi's racing heart was caught in his throat, as he prayed that that was the only message. He didn't need his Yami hearing Ishizu's extremely suggestive messages or to listen to another telemarketing call. Finally, the dial tone rang, and Yugi gave a sigh of relief.  
  
"Whew!" he said. "Oops." He looked up to see Yami gazing at him curiously.  
  
"So that's Tea's?" he asked.  
  
"Uh, yep," Yugi murmured back, frozen. He was sitting on the HARD linoleum floor staring at his Yami with wide eyes, which wasn't a very good position to be frozen in. His edible ass was hurting.  
  
"So... Yami Marik likes Tea?"  
  
Yugi sweat dropped, but then realized that lying and saying that would make everything so much easier for him.  
  
"Uh, yeah, didn't you know? It's kind of pretty well known..." Yugi was sweating.  
  
"I thought he was gay."  
  
"Actually I think he used to be with Ishizu," Yugi blurted.  
  
"Oh, really?"  
  
"Yeah, really."  
  
The two were quiet for a while. Yami, who had been shuffling his damn papers for near 10 minutes now, finally stopped reorganizing them.  
  
"Eh. I'm going to bed. See ya." Yami passed his by.  
  
"Yeah... see ya." Yugi wiped sweat off his brow as soon as his taller, more heroic self strode BOLDLY out of the room. "Whew!"  
  
"So what did Malik say?" Solomon popped out of his newspaper pile, cat droppings in his hair.  
  
"Huh?" Yugi looked surprised and amused to see his grandpa. "Oh, well, it was good. I gyved him so that he couldn't get away, it made things much easier."  
  
"Good, good." Solomon nodded wisely about eight times in only one second. "Gyves are sexy. Did you guys do anything afterwards? I paid Tristan to get Joey away from you. I told him it was because Joey made you lose brain cells and that you needed an 'A'."  
  
Yugi sweat dropped.  
  
"But... Joey DOES make me lose brain cells. And I DO need an 'A'. I have a 'B'." Yugi sighed. "But math is hard..."  
  
"You'll make it someday," Solomon said cheerfully. "Now, tell me all about the picnic!" The oddly homoerotic eighty-two-year-old man gossiped with his grandson for the next few minutes. You can't hear what their saying, and your view is one where it's as if you were sitting in corner, but were up near the ceiling. The view fades out.  
  
End chapter...  
  
I just wanted to say – what if Yugi was sarcastic, and Yami was a duck? This fan fiction certainly wouldn't happen, but "The Little Edge of the Universe" might. Coming soon. /shameless plug 


	9. The Calls ripping off BSB

Note: This is a second draft of the original chapter, mostly just in a different format.  
  
Thank Ra for spellcheck . net, the web site I had to turn to when my own comp's when awry. A few review responses at the end.  
  
"Hi Malik. This is your sister Ishizu. Yes, it's me, I know you can't believe this but I'm not sugar high for the moment. Weird, huh? Oh, Shadi wants to talk to you. I'll give the phone to him."  
  
"Hi, Malik. I know you won't believe this, but I feel this caressing presence around you. Somebody nearby loves you."  
  
"Awwww, how sweet!"  
  
"Isn't it? Here's your sister again."  
  
"Anyway we've got to go, we're meeting this couple at a casino for some swinging – ummm, dancing! Heh he he . Um, bye now!"  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Um... Malik? This is Tristan. Do you... do you have some toilet paper?"  
  
"Oh my GOD it BURNS!!!"  
  
"Because you see..."  
  
"Oh my GOD!"  
  
"Er, my dad kind of ate eight flaming tacos... while they were still on fire. And, uh, he's got a bit of indigestion. And you live closer to me than Yugi or Joey do..."  
  
"THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!! Uh, BUDDHA!! WE HAVE A SITUATION HERE!"  
  
"O.O;; Just please hurry!"  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Hiya Ishtar! 'Tis I, that wonderful girl you have coincidentally fallen madly in love with! That's right, it's--"  
  
"Please deposit five more dollars for the next two seconds."  
  
"What!? Shit!!"  
  
"Please deposit five more dollars for the next two seconds."  
  
"Um, ttyl Malik and love you."  
  
BEEP.  
  
"Hello, Ishtar. This is Yami no Yugi. I wanted to talk to you for a little while. But since you're not here, or there, I'll just leave a message. I wanted to thank you for not destroying anything in awhile. It's been a good influence on Yugi's friends. This script was written for me, I am not that sappy. Also, if you ever happen to harm, hinder, or harass my aibou in any way, I will deal you a quick and painless death. Wait, that's not how it goes, it was slow and agonizing! Fat and greasy! We love the suuuuubs! 'Cause they are gooood toooo us!"  
  
"oO; Yami?"  
  
"OO Aibou!! Uhhh, I can explain!"  
  
BEEP.  
  
".." Malik cringed. His sister was a slut, Tristan really needed to pee, Tea was crazy about him, (either that or Avril Lavigne really HAD called) Yami was going to maul him, and Shadi had made it his personal business to make sure Malik got his horoscope. Malik slumped against the backboard of his bed. Why did everything happen to him? Why? Malik really wanted to know. The HOT Egyptian teen looked up, and found himself gazing at a picture of his new best friend. This set him to thinking...  
  
-  
  
mwee hee review =-= mrow!  
  
Akio the Dragon Master – Well I'm glad that you're glad you inspired me, lol. And try to keep Yami 'way from that Mac 'N Cheese! ;)  
  
MAIDEN OF TIME AND SPACE – Or is it space and time? (blinks) Hmm, I can't remember, he he. Sure!! Would you like to appear in Yami's Advice Column?? I can do that. I've got my disk working again now!! Which is great, because I had like three more chapters written for it in advance... that's why now I mostly save everything on my hardware. ;; I have discovered – floppy disks SUCK.  
  
Chetra-Card – It always makes people feel happy when they see they're mentioned. That's why I love reviwer's responses!! (does a corny pose) ... Uhm... I didn't do that. Anyway... I'm not sure if you were confused or not, but I'm glad you liked it.   
  
sapphire dragon0000017 – That is soooo sweet of you to say. I almost cried reading your review. It made me feel really, really incredibly special. Thank you so much.  
  
Ryou: Are you crying, Danielle?  
  
Danielle (me): NO! (sniffles just a little bit)  
  
Ryou: ...Okay then. I'm just gonna go return this GBA to Crystal...  
  
Danielle: That's MY GBA! Well, technically it's my friend's, but I'm buying it from her. She just left it at my house already.  
  
Ryou: ...Oh... Well, Crystal wanted it.  
  
Danielle: (shakes fist) Stay AWAY from her!!  
  
Ryou: ...Okay. (goes to find Crystal and give her back the GBA)  
  
Danielle: ...siiiiigh... Reviews o kudasai? Onegai? Iie? Aww... 


	10. Target Malik SAPPY: Feelings

To the tenth chapter - celebrating 116 reviews that I didn't deserve, and my 15th birthday, which is today. Enjoy the fic, folks. (Gosh I wish I had some ramen. -)

Warning: Malik-OCCness, sap, shounen-ai. Just so you know. Okay. ...This chapter is stupid... I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh.  
  
Malik stared at a picture of Yugi he had recently swiped from Joey's wallet. He was smiling in the picture, beaming because he was probably saying something obscenely offensive to Joey about his relationship with Mai at the same time as Tristan took the picture. Malik sighed. There was absolutely no denying it any longer; after hanging out with Yugi for the past few days, Malik had achieved the impossible. He was actually starting to have feelings for the boy. The short, cute, adorable blonde boy that looked incredible hot in leather pants...  
  
Malik shook his head a little, and wiped some drool off his chin. Flipping himself over, he leaned against his pillows. It wasn't the whole 'being gay' thing that bothered him. Heck, just look at his best friends, Ryou and Bakura. They were always... Eh, let's just say they were a little too 'busy' to call him at all lately during the past couple of chapters. No, being gay was definitely not a problem. Nobody would admonish him for that. The Yugi- tachi was made of friendly, accepting people. If he was gay, he was gay, and nobody would give a rat's ass. It would be cool if they did though, then he could feed it to Esmerelda, his pet Boa Constrictor that he usually kept in the basement.  
  
Malik sighed, and rolled over. Staring at his alarm clock, he noted that it was only 1 in the afternoon. Outside, Malik could see a clear sky outside, with a decent amount of fast-moving cumulus clouds. He could see all of this from the rectangular window above his bed, that spread from wall to wall.  
  
Malik closed his eyes, mulling over whether or not he should take a short nap. On one hand, it would be nice. On the other hand, that wasn't something that insane pyschopaths generally do...  
  
Malik groaned and sat up. Nope, his problem was not being gay. His problem was that he liked Yugi. And Yugi was, as far as he was concerned, the yadonushi of the Pharaoh. Yadonushi meant "lord's property," and that's what he considered Yugi to Yami.  
  
But... but he was cute... He was adorable!! And had a cute ass. Who could not love Yugi, hm?  
  
Malik's depressed thoughts were interrupted when the phone rang. He had a phone in his room, right on the night stand next to his bed – which was across from a sweet plasma TV. Malik decided to let the answering machine pick it up. I mean, it IS the point of this fan fiction, isn't it? So he decided to do just that.  
  
"Hi, Malik."  
  
Malik's eyes lit up as he heard Yugi's voice over the machine. He had to keep himself from frantically grabbing for the phone.  
  
"Um, well, you said I could come over and play your video games sometime... how about today? Plus I need to drop off your cell phone. I picked it up when you dropped it at the park... Is that okay? What time can I come over? I guess I'll find out when you call me. Bye."  
  
The beeping noise sounded, and Malik sighed happily and fell against the pillow. He would get to see the object of his immediate affections!! Suddenly Malik's contented smile turned into an ugly frown. Since when had he loved Yugi this much? His heart was pounding so hard, it fell like a hammer was beating itself against his chest.  
  
"Jesus, love hurts," he swore, and then he picked up the phone to call Yugi back. "No wonder Romeo had to do all that sword fighting. I'd like to go on a killing spree, too!" His breath caught in his throat as he punched in Yugi's #. Yes, I put a number sign just to bug you, so ha ha.  
  
"Hello?" Yugi's unsure voice was heard over the telephone. Malik had to keep himself from screaming, uh, screams, that sounded incredibly fanboyish.  
  
"Oh, hi Yugi. I got your message." Was it just him, or could he feel Yugi blushing over the phone? He wondered. "I just wanted to tell you that you can come over now, if you want to."  
  
"Um..." On the other side of the phone line, Yugi looked around at the mess his grandpa had made pretending to be a kitten last night. (Complete with the whole "high off catnip" scenario. Quite funny at the time, but it really did leave quite a bit of a mess.)  
  
"I just have a few more chores to do, I'll be there around... 3?" Yugi said in a question form, always doubtful. Malik grinned cheesily. Yugi was so cute like that. He could just imagining his eyes, looking so pained – pain was good – and frightened and yet stunningly attractive at the same time.  
  
"Sure Yugi!!" Malik crowed. Ugh, I sound like such a dork. Oh well.  
  
Standing in Malik's doorway so obviously that he sweat dropped when his younger brother didn't notice him, Odion took in everything – the crooning tone of Malik's voice, his lovestruck gaze, and the dopey grin plastered one his face – and shook his head, smiling understandingly. This would be berrrrry interesting.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Which was odd, because Odion didn't particularly like berries... at least not blackberries. [A/N: I love 'em!] Yick. But other than that, Odion supposed that this whole ordeal might prove very entertaining and could result in a couple of chuckles and maybe even a very few incredibly girlish giggles.  
  
...Besides, that's what the next chapter was about.  
  
-  
  
reviews o kudasai  
  
{{{LET IT BE KNOWN THAT CHETRA-CARD WAS 'MENSHON'-ED HERE!}}}  
  
... ...  
  
... ...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
{{AND HERE.}}  
  
{AND HERE AND HERE AND HERE AND HERE...}  
  
Thanks, Chetra.


	11. Target Malik SAPPY: Fondling

Um, HI! =) (cheesy grins) (dopey grins) Um, I realize I haven't said this in a long long time, but, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. I also don't own any songs I use. I don't own the poem in this chapter. I also don't own Resident Evil. And I DO realize that I said the only game Malik had was Silent Hill, but, uh, he has the RE:Make too. =)

Yu-Gi-Oh is property of Kazuki Takahashi, Resident Evil belongs to Capcom. The poem in this chapter belongs to Chetra-Card, whom I went back and edited this entire chapter for just for her. =) SO GO CHETRA!!!

ALSO! WARNING! There is a teensy bit of um, what you COULD call lemon if you want to, but not really. This is the only chapter that's like this... it was written for a friend. The rest of the chapters are clean. I promise. (does scouts honor sign)

Sephiroth or Anime-Crazy2: You're exactly right. I couldn't find any way to add in much humor... or any at all, at fact. . Hopefully this will be the last overly sappy chapter.

Random Person number 3: I just got back from vacation. That's why I could update.

Chetra-card: Thanks! I will definately try to add your poem into one of my stories, 'kay? I'll try! Promise! AND I WILL FREE YOU! And direct you to the nearest spellcheck. Lol.

bakuralover-2008: =) I'm really glad that everyone is enjoying this fic. It makes me feel accomplished. ;) Of course, I'd feel better if everyone reviewed!

Akio the Dragon Master- shrugs I dunno. Your ears broken? Lol, after reading this chap, I can't WAIT to see how weird you think I am. - Remember, tho, it was written especially for Shippo.

Chetra-card- TONS of insinuations in that... well, not insinuations, but do know how many times you referred to Marik's "rod"? (No not that one... YES that one... Lol.) I'll try to add it. It would make a good ending to the fic, which I've already written out. (I haven't written the next chapter tho... lol.) Hnm, yes, thanks for your support. -

Thursday Adams- HI!!!! Thanks for going to read this! Tell your gaylord computer to [not a very nice suggestion]. # of imaginary plushies you've given me: a myriad. o.o; Too many to count. But EVERYBODY needs plushies, even if they're not real.

It's Kat meow- Lol, I love putting down exactly what the annonymous reviewers sign. - Hi Kat!!! Yes, who DOESN'T love Yugi? Besides Pega--- No, no, no, better not to even think of that. sweat drops Anyway... About Hiei... KURAMA'S BETTER! starts World War III with those words only

Also thanks to my reviewers of "Kept":

Silvershadowfire

and "Fly's Eyes"

GlassRose2000

Um so thanks y'all for the happy birthday. - I haven't had my party yet, but I already got an Inuyasha DVD. I was watching it earlier today with my little sister in Japanese w/ English subtitles, because I'm learning Japanese. I couldn't hear it very well though, because of a) the dog b) my mom c) I couldn't raise the volume 'cuz my dad would kill me d) my sister's questions. "Does that guy and her become friends?" "Is he evil?" "Why is that guy killing them?" --;; Watch and find out, grasshopper! WATCH AND FIND OUT!

So, thanks to every single person who has reviewed, I mean EVERY ONE of you, and even if you haven't reviewed, you should, because I want to thank you, too! - And thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday!!!

I would also like to point out my Evanescence-inspired song called "Kept". Please read and review it. -;;;;;;

MY NEWEST BELIEF IS THAT EVANESCENCE MUSIC SHOULD BE USED IN RESIDENT EVIL GAMES. LISTEN TO ME, CAPCOM!! LISTEN!!!! Dang it.... Listen!!

This chapter is devoted to Lacee, who desperately believes that lemon themes should inherit the whole world.  
  
Warning: More Malik-OCCness, slight slight lemony content, but not really... I'm just saying that. o.o;;

On with the fic.  
  
Prologue  
  
-  
  
It was a bit later in the day. Malik was sprawled happily over his quilted bed, watching Yugi play REmake on his platinum-colored Gamecube. His pencil flowed smoothly over the fancy piece of stationary, Arabic symbols flowing like water from its lead tip. Outside, the sprinkler was on, and Malik cherished the SWICK sound of its pressurized, rhythmic blast against the window. Yugi, however, jumped everytime he heard it. He looked around the room, startled, his violet eyes wide, giving Malik the impression that he was scared.  
  
Malik had found out Yugi's secret. The possesor of the Millennium Puzzle, and therefore one of the best puzzlers in the world, could not aim a gun worth crap. Even on auto-aim! He was, however, very good at the finishing the puzzles that the sick, twisted company of Umbrella had set before them. Yugi and Malik had worked as a team earlier, switching off places wherever it was easiest for the other person and munching on cheese puffs, until Odion had entered, reminding Malik that the mailman was coming today, and wouldn't be coming back for another week. Although Yugi was intensely curious as to why the mailman only visited their house once a week, Malik wasn't really keen on explaining to him that his yami and Bakura had threatened the man with what the said was an atomic bomb. (It had really been a piece of incredibly moldy cheese.) However, Yugi persisted, and Malik had told him, and Yugi had taken it... extremely well. Actually, he didn't seem to be bothered at all. Malik thought this was great. That just meant that Yugi wouldn't be TOO disturbed by all the terrible and horrible things Malik engaged in which involved nerfarious activities and some disturbing images. And, if your mind is set on JUST the right track, you can make that sentence perverted.  
  
--;; Yes, sadly, love had pierced our main character's flesh like a really painful bee sting. Ouch. That's why, all the way in Niger, Yami Marik (who was rapidly progressing towards France along with his co-stars Matt Lower and Fredrick Chiluba) had labeled his partner's thoughts descriptively as "stupid" and "overly sentimental". He had then stopped to ask the former president of the African Country what "sentimental" meant.  
  
SO!! Time for the fluff! Chop chop! HURRY UP WITH THAT LETTER, MORON!!!  
  
Malik hurriedly finished his letter, suddenly feeling compelled to complte it. He shivered, thinking that somehow he had just been threatened by some otherwordly force. He quickly shoved the letter in the envelope, put on the stamp, licked the envelope shut (imagining some nasty/wonderful, lustful make-out scenes with Yugi, depending on your point of view) and slammed it down on his nightstand with such force that the birds in the trees outside flew away startled.  
  
"Actually, we just thought that he stunk," one bird reported.  
  
"Yeah!!" came the chorus from all 4 of his children, who looked almost exactly like him and all had the same high-pitched, gay-sounding male voice.  
  
Malik laid his head down on a pillow. Writing really took a lot out of him. His hand hurt. [A/N: ;; Poor baaaaaby! Awww.] With a groan, he recalled what the letter said.  
  
Dear Ishizu,  
  
I like pie. Do you like pie? Well, I like pie. I think that your boyfriend Shadi should get hit in the face with a truck. A big one. One you store cargo in.  
  
Love always,  
  
Kisama no ototo,  
  
Malik-chan the Great  
  
P.S. To put this bluntly, I like little Yugi. Would you hate me if I told you that? Too bad, 'cause I just did. Sucks to be you!

P.P.S. Pie is always better with ice cream. Remember that now.  
  
Malik's hand really really really ached from all of that EXTREME writing (Inside Joke). With a small sigh of weariness, Malik rolled over and tried to nap. A loud sigh from Yugi reminded him that... Yugi was there! Lifting his head up weakly, Malik saw Yugi, staring unblinkingly at the screen and probably doing all kinds of horrible things to his eyes, and was rejuvenated inside.  
  
"Malik," Yugi suddenly said softly, without tearing his entranced amethyst eyes from the screen, "I think it's your turn." Malik shook his head.  
  
"No way, Little Yugi, you can handle it. Trust me."  
  
"Alright." Yugi aimed at a bloodied, disturbing monster called a Crimson Head. Yugi aimed for its head and fired. The shot blew the CH's legs off. -- ;;  
  
"--;;" Malik sat up. "Here Yugi, let me help you with that." Malik stood up and walked over to Yugi. Yugi followed him with his eyes, ignoring the fact that there was a dead body lying in from of Chris Redfield on the game with its legs, (and probably wang,) completely amputated. The CH let out a small moan of agony. Yugi thought that Malik was going to sit next to him, but then Malik hopped up on the bed and sat behind him. Yugi blushed as bad images ran through his head. We'll spare you those.

Shaky knees, beating heart fast, what can this is.  
Butterflies, Dizziness deep in side, Can this be love?  
All is true it adds up to all I can say is...  
I Love You.

'O.O I never realized I was so poetic...' Malik shook his head.

"??" Yugi asked/expressed/conveyed using facial expression. [A/N: :P)  
  
Yugi, if you must know, was wearing his school uniform. They had had half a day of school that day, which Malik had of course skipped. Anyway, that's why he was wearing the uniform.  
  
Malik leaned over Yugi's tiny form, and placed his arms on top of his. Placing his hands over Yugi's, he began to operate the red controller.  
  
"See Yugi," Malik started, "you just use the joystick to aim like this..." Yugi blushed bashfully but nodded, dumb for words.  
  
"And you... have to... do this..." Malik operated Chris Redfield across the hallway in hopes of finding a zombie or something so that he could blow its head off, insane pyschobitch that he was. Yugi, however, was one for conserving his bullets. He would have to remedy that somehow. Being trigger- happy was very therapeutic. It certainly made him feel better. He leaned forward some more, breathing into Yugi's ear.  
  
"Hey, Yugi," Malik said breathily, "did you ever, hear back from the person you liked?" Malik realized he was panting; being so near to Yugi was getting him excited. I mean, THINK of all the perverted POSSIBILITIES!! [A.N. Lacee, now you know why this is dedicated to you. So let your imagination GO!] Meanwhile, Yugi licked his dry lips and looked embarrassedly at his lap.  
  
"No," he said sadly. "But I think he... hates me. Or wants to get rid of me. I think he's trying to scare me off."  
  
Malik finally found a zombie. Yugi didn't look up, however, so Malik forcefully grabbed his chin and jerked it up. Yugi's eyes widened as he saw the zombie. "Oh. Ehehe... Right. I'm supposed to shoot it's head off in a fetis display of pixellated guts and gore."  
  
Malik sweat dropped, then once again gently guided Yugi's hands. Once Yugi had shot the zombie with Richard's assault shotgun about five times in the torso, Malik feigned falling over and nearly fell on Yugi's lap, creating a very cute scene. Yugi was beet red as Malik sat back up and placed his head in the crook of Yugi's shoulder.  
  
"Now why would you think that?" he asked so softly, that if he weren't right next to Yugi's ear, he might not of heard.  
  
"Uhh..." Yugi was frantically trying to mimick what Malik had just showed him. "Well, you see, he..."  
  
Malik placed both his hands on Yugi's shoulders. "I don't think he thinks that about you, Yugi."  
  
Yugi went to his inventory for a moment. "You don't?!" he blurted.  
  
"Nope," Malik replied simply, caressing Yugi's shoulders. A strange thought struck a chord in his mind.  
  
Malik.  
  
Was.  
  
Fondling.  
  
Yugi.  
  
Malik was fondling Yugi!! Leik omg wat was rong w/ him!?! w0a-  
  
And somehow, Malik didn't seem to mind either, being the normal, horny teenage boy that he was. --;; So he just stayed like that, contentedly watching Yugi shoot zombies' heads off in an eerie courtyard, gore flying all over the screen.  
  
--;;; How romantic.  
  
-  
  
Epilogue  
  
-  
  
Odion smiled broadly at his younger brother. 'Awww, they're so cute when they're in love!' Malik, sensing his gaze, turned to him nonchalantly – and then glared.  
  
'Rar. I am glaring at you,' Malik's eyes said.  
  
"Wow! My eyes talk!" Malik exclaimed idiotically. --; Blubbering buffoon bake! /random, nonsensical joke that isn't very funny  
  
"What?" Yugi asked, pressing the A button and not paying very much attention.  
  
"Nothing Yugi. No, no, you it like this. Thaaaat's right. Hey do you want me to beat Yawn for you?" Malik offered gernerously with a grin. Yugi shook his head.  
  
"I want to do it on my own," Yugi told him. Malik grinned/jeered, whichever it was. It looked like jeer – it was pretty eerie. o OU Then again, this IS Malik ISHTAR we're talking about folks.  
  
"Okay, but if you need any help..." Malik snuggled closer against the back of Little Yugi. The midgetized saiyan continued pretending not to notice. Odion's eyebrows shot up amusedly.  
  
'Well.'  
  
This was certain a change in tune, now wasn't it? It was like going from Mozart to IBM Giants on the same CD, or from changing the channel from Nickolodean to CNN. Odion turned 90°, only to see a CONVENIENTLY placed wall phone RIGHT in front of him.  
  
Odion sweat dropped. "Well then." He pressed the MESSAGE button. "Gotta continue with the fanfic."  
  
"You have 2, new, messages," a woman's painfully slow voice said nonchalantly. "First, message."  
  
-beeeeep-

"Hello, Mrs. Ishizu Ishtar! We would like to confirm your resubscription to Playgirl Magazine--"

"O.O!!!" Odion practically jammed the delete button with his large pointer finger. -.-; He has large hands.

-beeeeep-  
  
"Hi Malik, this is Bakura. I was just wondering if you happened to have an already plucked, live chicken splattered with lubricant? Ryou needs it for a science project. Um... pretty please? I tried calling you the other day to see if you wanted to come over – secretly, I was pretending to ignore Ryou to make myself feel bigger – but you weren't there. You were probably at some gayassed picnic with gayassed little Yugi and his gayassed friends – well, no, actually, I think that Gardner girl's bi. She's so desperate she'll take anyone she can get. Anyway, do you have a chicken? If not... do you at least have some lube? o.O Bye now."  
  
-beeeeep-  
  
Odion sweat dropped. "Ooooooooooooookay." He pressed the delete button, and then went on the computer, deciding to e-mail Ryou instead of calling back and risking having to talk to Bakura.  
  
-  
  
Love it? Hate it? Don't get it? Then review! ;; This is about how perverted it's gonna get... to the huge disappointment of one girl called Shippo. This is the ONLY perverse chapter, so if you didn't like it, DON'T WORRY!

THE POEM IN THIS STORY IS UNDER THE SOLE POSSESSION OF CHETRA-CARD, WHO GAVE ME EXPRESS PERMISSION TO USE IT MY FAN FICTION. IF YOU WANT TO USE IT, YOU'D HAVE TO TALK TO HER. And... Way to go Chetra. I hope you're happy!

REVIEW!!!! ....It's my birthday. Please review!


	12. Ministory! Ryou's Answering Machine!

I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!! ---Ok, that's over and done with. Whew! Thanks to MAIDEN IN TIME AND SPACE and Living on Dreams for Beta-reading this!! This is officially a THIRD draft! W00t! I hope it's not too confusing.

This chapter is dedicated especially to Sephiroth or Anime-Crazy2. May his fan fictions rest in peace. U.U (prays) Lol.

-------Sour Schuyler

I do own Zakari Motou. You steal, you die. (growlz) Review Responses at the end. So sorry for this taking so long. Gomen. (bows solemnly)

9:14 ¾ AM

Ishtar Residence

"MASTER MALIK!"

"Yes, Odion?" Malik responded sullenly, listlessly feeding his yellow Wocky some sausage omelette on his computer screen.

"Look at me!!" Odion whined like a little kid. He came in, dressed all in a plaid kilt.

"O.o;" was the tacit response. Until Odion proudly announced:

" I'm going to be a yodeler/scottish man who plays the bagpipes!" Odion announced proudly. Malik stared at him blankly, and finally remembered the call from Chapter 2... or was it three? Ah, who cares.

"...But you aren't Scottish," Malik told him disdainfully. "You're Egyptian." Odion immediately became defensive.

"How do you know!? Where you THERE when I was born!? NO! In fact, I was FOUND, so I COULD'VE BEEN SCOTTISH!!!" Odion tugged on his pigtails... oh, did I mention the wig? Obviously not. Dark brown against tanned skin isn't such a good idea, by the way.

"Well, actually..." Malik bit his lip.

"Well, actually, what?" Odion demanded. "I DEMAND TO KNOW!"

"Well..."

(flashback as malik explains it)

Mrs. Ishtar smiled down at the wriggling mass in her arms. "It's a baby boy..." she said to know one in particular, happy with the whole "not dying in labor thing". "Heh, that wasn't so hard!" And then she REALLY looked at her new child's face. And she screamed. Loudly.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

From then on poor Mr. Ishtar was deaf. (This is why he's so cranky.)

(End flashback)

"Are you sure?" Odion asked forlornly.

"Yes, Odion." Malik sighed. Just then, the phone rang. Malik paused his Resident Evil 2 PC game with the click of two keyboard buttons and picked it up. "'Yello?"

"Jello," came the reply. Malik paled, knowing instantly who it was, and what their current situation was.

This was bad.

9:15 4/7 AM

Bakura Residence

"Jello?" Malik's confused voice came through on the other line. "Ryou, what are you up to?"

"Jello!" Ryou giggled schoolgirlishly and scooped another spoonful of the purple, jiggly stuff and spooned it down his trap. He giggled. Bakura entered the room, and his brown eyes went wide.

"Uh oh..." Bakura thankfully remembered that Ryou was "allergic" to Jello. It made him sugar high. Very, VERY sugar high. "Ryou... um... stop?"

"Have you seen my black outfit?" Ryou asked brightly while eating another scrumptious spoonful of that wonderfully wobbley stuff. Author's Note: I HEART ALLITERATIONS.

"No."

"Then shut up. I'm talking to Malik."

"oO 'Kay."

9:16 AM

Ishtar Residence

"oO What's up Ryou?" Malik asked coolly, leaning against the swivel chair. This, of course, proved to be futile, since we all know swivel chairs swivel. And so, he fell to the floor and skinned his elbows. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow..." Malik's eyes watered dolefully. "Ishizu, kiss my booboo!" Odion reached for his arm. "Not YOU, Odion!"

"oo Sorry, Master Ketchup."

"It's Malik."

"I am sorry, Mustard Malik."

"( #) You've been watching Josie And The Pussy Cats again, haven't you, Odion?"

"Perhaps, Alan." Odion waddled around the island counter like a penguin with a wedgie, and Malik sighed loudly. "Ok, Ryou, what's up? Ryou? ...Ryou? Oh, crud." Malik punched in the numbers to his best friend's tele-line.

"Hi! Did you know Jello will take over the world? Because it's JIGGLY! Hee hee hee."

"Sorry about that Ryou, I got hold up. What were you going to say?"

"The Jello forgives you. Please excuse him for one moment."

9:18 AM

Bakura Residence

Ryou downed another Sprite Remix and giggled. On TV, Bakura had turned on MTV, which was currently running the Nihongo no GOTH (Japanese GOTH) marathon. Evanescence music played.

"How can you look into my eyes / like open doors / leading you down into my core / where I've become so numb..."

Bakura, instead of enjoying "Wake Me Up Inside", was watching Ryou VERRRY carefully.

"He could go manic at any moment," Bakura thought aloud. Ryou didn't notice however, as he giggled girlishly.

"I was going to say that I'm going to e-mail you in five minutes!" he crowed into the phone."

Bakura fell over anime style. "Then again, maybe he's already too far gone to save..."

9:20 2/17 AM

Ishtar Residence

Malik fell over as well.

"Ryou you idiot! You stupid blockhead!" Malik growled. "Rr, fine!" he slammed the phone down and picked up his Gameboy Advance, where he played Zelda: The Four Swords, linking with Odion and his game for the ultimate gaming experience -- so says the commercials.

9:34 2/17 AM

Ishtar Residence Still

Malik sat down, sipping a Sprite through a yellow-lined straw. Odion, in five minutse, had played games with him, vacuumed the carpet, fixed his own hangnail, and had then gone to McDonalds and back again. Odion was like Wonder Woman, complete with the belt. Just like Malik had been for Halloween last year in Cairo. Odion deserved a lot more credit. (After all, it was HIM who had made the costume to fit Malik in the first place. God shall praise his almighty sewing prowess.)

It was time. Malik... logged on.

First, he had to deny changing his home page to Then he finally logged on as (If anybody has this e-mail then I'm really sorry.) He checked his inbox. It looked something like this:

NAKED GIRLS!

Meet the special someone on the net

Gain an inch!

Hey Malik it's me Ryou

Best Car Insurance Deal We'll Ever Be Offering until Tomorrow

Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: FWD:

Save a blind, naked, and sexually deprived ten year old boy in Nigeria! Every e-mail counts! His name is Mokuba!

REDUCE YOUR SPAM MAIL! CLICK HERE!

SPAM-REDUCER

Want less spam? Click here

Malik clicked on the forward, neglected to read it, sent it to thirty people, and then clicked on Ryou's e-mail.

_Malik,_

_I'll be calling you in 2 minutes._

_Ryou o_

Malik sweat dropped, but then went onto Neopets and decided to send his Neobuddy Shadi a Neomail.

"Dear" Shadi,

Eff you...

Whatever time it is in Las Vegas:

"Awww, how sweet. Ishizu, look what your dear brother sent me!"

"o.o What are you, gay?"

"...I happen to be a very intriguing sort of bisexual," Shadi explained, clicking the X button.

"O.O Okay then..."

9:37 1/18 AM

Ishtar Residence

Malik, in the middle of a Neomail, heard the phone ring beside him. He picked it up. "Ishtar Residence, Malik here. If you are the Pharaoh, then hang up and rot in Hell."

"Hi Malik!" Ryou crowed like a lilting... lilt.

"Well hello there little boy," Malik said brusquely. "Would you like a lollipop?"

"Um, no thanks. I've already had twenty, and Bakura said if I had anymore he'd lock me in the closet again..."

"Ah, well, guess what?" 'You're so weird...'

"What?"

"I wanna know why you called me, you son of a beep." Malik leaned back, wrapping the thick wire around his entire hand.

"Oh! Well, you need to call Yugi!"

"oO Anata wa nani o itte ka?"

"Yugi o yobou!"

"Why are we speaking in Japanese?"

"I don't know."

DING DONG! The doorbell rang. Odion got it. A kid wearing a t-shirt that said, "BURN JAPAN!!" on it threw a pie at him.

Odion wiped a bit of it off on his hand. "Mmm. Pumpkin."

"SPEAK IN ENGLISH!"

"I JUST DID! Stupid kid."

"O.O You can't say that about me. My mommy always told me I was a special child..."

9:38 AM

Bakura Residence.

" That was fun!" Ryou opined, bouncing up and down a little white sipping down another Sprite Remix.

"Ryou..." Bakura approached his hikari slowly and carefully, a BIGASS butterfly net in his hand.

"Geez, Bakura, what are you catching, Butterfree?" Ryou inquired happily. He giggled when Bakura made a pitching motion and mouthed the words 'Pok'eball, go.' The sugar high lilt then said, "Oh, I get it! You wanna play tag!"

"No."

"Well, okay!" Ryou continued as if Bakura hadn't said anything. "But you have to be it!" Ryou started to run down the hall.

"...Shoot." Bakura jogged briskly after him. "This is actually a good workout. A yami's gotta stay trim!" After shooting a cheesy smile straight at the camera, Bakura picked up the pace and chased his hikari down the hallway. "He's pretty happy for someone who lost his black trench coat.

9:59

Ishtar Residence

Malik tripped over his own feet.

"Owww... I think I busted my hip. No more hula-dancing for me, I'm afraid."

"I'm dying!" the voice sang from the TV. It was Evanescence's 'Turniquet'. "Praying! / Bleeding! / I'm screaming! / Am I too lost? / To be saved? / Am I too looooooooost?"

10:50 AM

Motou Residence

"My God! / My Turniquet! / Return to me / Salvaaation! / My God! / My Turniquet! / Return to me / Salvaaation!"

RING RING!

Yugi Motou, that cute, semi-gothic person we all know and love, except for Captain Inuyasha777, but that's al right, hopped off of hishigh wooden stool (the only way he could reach the cash register and the computer on the counter.) Kawaii no Yugi-kun paused in his computer-functioned financial transaction on behalf of the game shop (his Grandpa was too stupid to do it, as shall be displayed in Chapter 14) and picked up the offwhite wall phone.

"My wounds cry for the grave / My soul cries / for deliverance / Will I be denied?"

Yugi looked at the CallerID. "It's Malik!!" he cried, and then slammed his hand over his mouth. Yami was upstairs. Yugi spun around and muted Evanescence... with his mind! w00t! Nah, actually he just used the controller. He then chirped the standard response into the phone.

"GAME SHOP!"

"Ow, my ear canal's bleeding," came an out-of-breath voice. "Yugi, did you (pant) know (pant) that there are (pant, pant, pant pant) 32, (gasp!) 32 Kame Game shops in the Yello pages? (pant, pant, gasp, wheeze, hyperventilate, pant)."

Yugi nodded dumbly to the wall. "Uh... yeah, I did."

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?" Malik demanded, then his lungs collapsed.

"Hm."

"Hm? What does 'Hm' mean??"

"I means, 'I'm thinking about it, give me a few seconds to recollect where I lost my brain... Oops, I forgot. I didn't lose my brain, I sold it on E-bay.' That's what it means," Yugi told him.

"Really? I pawned mine off. They gave me 50 bucks for it."

"Weird," Yugi responded, not thinking it was weird at all. It was just... "I could only cell mine for 20 cents."

On the other end of the line, Malik laughed heartily. "You win some and lose some, Yugi."

"Yeah..." Yugi responded shadily. The small blonde eyes his alter ego as he entered the room, looking... (droolz) INCREDIBLY hot. Yugi was wearing his Battle City outfit, but his other self was wearing the outfit he/they had worn when he faced off against Duke Devlin. For anyone who doesn't know what this looks like, there's a link at the bottom of this chappie. You gotta look. He ish da bomb!

"Who is it hikari?" the former Pharaoh asked. "Is it the Nokia people again? You're not supposed to talk to those people, you know. Even if they offer you free stuff. I know, Grandpa told me." Yami nodded wisely multiple times.

Yugi sweat dropped, thinking, "Yeah, that's what _I _told _you! _After _fifteen times!" _But he replied, "Oh, uh, yeah! But actually we ARE buying something this time. We're uh, going wireless.

Yugi sweat dropped, thinking, "Yeah, no, that's what _I _told _you! After fifteen times!" _But he replied, "Oh, uh, yeah! But actually we ARE buying something from this time. We're, um, going wireless."

"We already are wireless, Yugi." Yami held up their black cell phone that had a picture of a scaly blue dragon across the side of it. (Ron Weasley: Wicked.) "And that sounds like Ishtar."

"It is."

"So he's working for the tele-company now?"

"...Um? Yeeeah. You could say that." Yugi rolled his eyes at Yami,, looking at towards the phone as if Malik could see the motion. On the other side of the phone, Malik sweat dropped.

"Yugi?"

Yami clenched his fist. "Darn you Ishtar! Joining forces with the lethal alliance that is telemarketing! And we already have wireless, too, and he knows it." Yugi sweat dropped.

'Think, Yugi, think,' he thought. 'What can I say?'The words that came out of his mouth were: "Ummm, yeah! But, we're, um, actually getting something this time! Remember? I said that a few minutes ago. I, uh, won a contest! Yeah, a crummy postcard contest!"

Yami raised an eyebrow and inquired, "Why was it crummy?"

"STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!" Yugi commanded breathlessly. "We've just received their Ultra Low Cost Global Networking In Motion High... Density PlusPower Platinum Member Wireless plan! For now increase in cost! So don't argue!" Yugi sweat dropped as he finished.

Yami smiled at him brightly. "Is there really such a plan, oh aibou of mine? And remember, if you lie to me, I shall rip out...... BAKURA'S lungs."

Yugi sweat dropped. "Uh... yeah. We can... we can e-mail my uncle in Florida!"

"You mean call."

"Now, we can... e-mail. With the phone. Like we already can, except... faster."

"Great! Now I can call that chick in Beijing." Yami flipped their cell phone in the air, caught it with one hand, and placed it in his pocket again. "You take care of that, would you aibou?" The Nameless Pharaoh then went to play Clocktower 3.

"Yeah... sure." Yugi turned back to the phone. "Um, thanks for helping us, Malik. We confirm that plan by e-mail, don't we?"

Yugi could practically hear Malik's sweat drop from across the line. "Yeah. Yes you do."

"'Kay! Thanks! Oh, and Malik? Your sister has the game shop on speed dial!" Yugi cheerfully hung up the phone.

10:53 AM

Ishtar Residence

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

10:53 AM

Motou Residence

"Whew." Yugi wiped his brow; their air-conditioning was broken, blast it. Speaking of blasting... Yugi unmuted the music, to discover as the sound reemerged from the television that they were now playing another song from the same CD.

"I know I can stop the pain / if I will it all away... / If I will it all away."

10:57 AM

Ishtar Residence

A few minutes later, Malik received an E-MAIL!!!!!!! Dun dun dun. Gasp. Shocker. Omg, I know. Omg, I know know...

"Shut up!!!" Somewhere out there, JerriMcMaster threw an apple core at me. And I glared. But then I shut up, like the hippogriff I am – I mean hypocrit. U

Malik CHECKED HIS E-MAIL!!!!!!

_Malikkun,_

_Ryoukun says we're supposed to meet him at the Domino Skating park at 11. See you there, I guess!_

_Yugikun_

Malik looked at the clock to see that it now said 10:59.

"Cruuuuuud!"

11:15 AM

Domino Skating Park for Juvenile Delinqs

"Bid my blood to run / before I come undone / save me from the nothing I've become! / Bring me to life / Bring me to life / Frozen inside / without your touch..."

The intercom sang as Malik jogged over to Ryou. The cute bishie was decked out in kneepads, elbow pads, and a helmet. He was also balancing on a skateboard. Yugi was there, watching him and occasionally holding up signs with the number "10" or "9" on them. Malik sweat dropped.

"Sooo, why are we here?" Malik asked _sans le préambule_(1), sweat dripping from him in ways that made him look... ki-yewt. o Malik caught Yugi staring at him, not quite as inconspicuously as Yugi would've liked, probably. Heck, the kid was GAWKING! at him! That wasn't inconspicuous at all! It was blatant! So, forget what I said! I'm just stupid! (Ok, I am going to stop my stupid rambling now... I know it's not funny, but even I need to vent in order to get that goofy grin on my whimsical face sometimes.)

'That's not cool,' Malik thought.

"Well," Ryou said cheerfully, "I thought that maybe you guys could watch me skateboard!"

Malik sighed dramatically, but managed to keep his balance, fighting an anime fall. "All right," came the noncommital reply from the Egyptian. Ryou looked at his best friends happily. Malik growled.

"Grrrr."

Toldja. But it was fair. With Ryou acting the way he was, he was acting even worse than TEA. And that WAS pretty bad. Ryou didn't seem to mind, though. When your brain cells were whirring at what had to be 160 miles and hour, I'm sure you actually didn't get much thinking done.

Yugi was spacing out at this time, and you know that when you do that, people always bother you, soooo...

"Yugi? Yugi Tuliphead?" Ryou Bakura called out Yugi Motou's name, stimuli traveled through his nervous system, starting in the ear canal, and ending up in a little chamber in the brain that Blade, that valiant piece of grass we all know and love, liked to call "the Batcave".

(starts singing) _And his brain cells sung!_

"_Bat man!!! Da na na na na na na na Da na na na na na na na Bat man!!! BATMAN!!!" _And then the brain cells went back to their tasks. There were no casualties. Well, except for Bob... (sniffle) But we won't go into that right now.

Yugi blinked, reality washing over him in thick, suffocating waves.

"YUGI!!"

Yugi looked up at Ryou in surprise. "Oh, um, sorry Ryou. I didn't... see you there. U"

"Roiiight." Ryou rolled his eyes, as he was standing RIGHT IN FRONT of the smaller boy.

Yugi didn't pay him any attention. "Nice shirt, Malik."

'Why should I feel flattered now?' Malik asked himself. 'I'm always cool...' He looked down at himself. He wore his standard Battle City outfit – tank top, etc, without the robes. 'See?Damn, I look good.' "All right, Ryou. Let's go into the skate park."

4:00-5:00 PM

Ryou fell. Ryou pouted. Ryou left. So the others left too.

5:01-7:59 PM

No one to this date knows what they did... we've hypothesized that they ate a lot of cheese during this time period.

8:00-9:00 PM

They headed over to Blockbuster. The three of them blew Blockbuster up, and ran for their lives for the nearest Hollywood Video.

9: 15 PM

Blockbuster

"So, what movie are we going to see?" Ryou asked. He gave a cursory glance at his watch before regarding the semi-dark night outside the windows. He sighed happily. The night air was always so calming...

"DIE MOTHER #&(ER!"

Gunshots.

"TAKE THAT $!HOLE!"

Ryou blinked. 'Hey, that sounded like Dr. Dre! Coolies!' Ryou turned and tried to peer out into the semidarkness outside. He could hear the click of someone putting their gun back into the holster, and winced. Well, it was ALMOST always calming. But who cared, that how sounds like... DR DRE! W00t!

The other two Millennium Item holders obeyed their white-haired comrade and put their heads together and thought. BONK.

"Hmmm...." The two hummed in exact unison, causing the older British teen to sweat drop. The harmony they created was... pleasant, actually. Like a hymn. Then both of Ryou Bakura's compatriots snapped their fingers at the same time.

"Spaceballs!" Yugi suggested enthusiastically.

"The Lord of the Rings!" Malik assured them at just the same time, and Ryou gave them each simultaneous double nods.

"Um... let's just pick one, and let's go!"

9:25

Still Blockbuster (although now it's been officially condemned and there are plans to build a Wendy's there)

"Spaceballs."

"LOTR."

"Spaceballs."

"LOTR."

"LOTR."

"Spaceballs."

"My gunnit, you're right!" Yugi looked at Ryou with a lilting face. "Spaceballs it is, then!"

"...What...?" Malik looked lost and confused (and very cute.)

"--;; I'll get the tape." Ryou walked briskly over to the aisle to look for said parody that lampoons the pants off of Darth Vader and other things that are actually pretty funny, although slow. -

"Waaaiiiit a second," Malik said, suspicious of Yugi's cheesy grin, "what just happened here?"

" Nothing, sweetie!" Yugi said, putting on a sweet face and batting his eyelashes, suddenly turning VERY shoujo. 'I can't believe that worked on him! Sugoi.'

"..." Malik blinked. "Sweetie?"

"Uh... um..." 'Oh crap!! Think Yugi THINK!' "Well... I bet you taste good. Like candy."

_**HEY MEGAN! I BET YOU $10 YOU JUST SAID "WHAT!?" WHEN YOU READ THAT. NO, REALLY, I DO! -**_

"o.o WHAT!?!?" Imagine the aforementioned smiley on Microsoft Word. You type it in, and the red squiggly underlines it, causing it to look like a blushing face. This is what Malik looked like now.

"I do NOT blush UNDER my mouth!"

Stop talking to me.

"Okay."

Yugi sweat dropped. "Heh."

"That'll be (snort) 7.95!" The zitty, fat, greasy, sleazy man informed Ryou, while picking his nose.

"WHAT!?!?" Ryou bashed him over the head with a metal bat. "NO! WAY!"

Yugi sweat dropped. "I think he's picking up things from his yami ne?"

Malik's eyes were dark swirls. "Hold me..." He fainted. Nobody caught him.

Yugi stared at his sort-of kind-of boyfriend. And then he took out a sharp stick and poked him, several times. (This is what Yugi would do if he ever found Kaiba unconscious in an alley. He would POKE HIM!!!!!!!! :D Yay.)

9:26

Bakura Residence

(Whoa they walk fast!)

"OoooKAY!" Ryou placed a bowl onto his head. "Alright, Sergeant Yugi, you know what to do."

"Right!" Yugi responded. Then he started to casually stroll away, a listless but slightly bemused expression on his cherubic face.

"I SAID SALUTE SOLDIER!!!" Yugi immediately stood up straight and rigid.

"SIR YES SIR!"

"YOU MAY GO NOW!" Ryou yelled/commanded/enforced/whatever.

"MA'AM YES MA'AM, MR. GIRLYPANTS MA'AM!" Yugi then proceeded to stroll away casually, a bemused but listless expression on his childish, angelic face. ...?? I sense déjà vu. He then went to get the popcorn. A few minutes later, Malik followed him into the kitchen, only to get smacked in the face with a hot popcorn bag.

Malik entered to see Yugi looking very, very disturbed. He looked around. And then gaped in horror. For on the counter was...

THE WHIPPED CREAM OF DOOM. A/N: Inside joke.

Malik took a step forward, but the whipped cream had gotten all over the floor, and he tripped, fell, and hit his head.

"OWWWWW!" Ryou ran into the kitchen and tripped over kernels... And then total war broke out.

9:38

"That was fun," Ryou opted to announce. He was kneeling on the ground, scooping up popcorn and throwing it back into the bowl to be fed to Bakura. Malik was sweeping with a broom, and Yugi was collecting the extra bits that had fallen underneath the table.

At about this time the phone rang.

And Yugi, with his years of being trained to answer the phone, jumped up, crying out "I'll get it!" U.U The short boy then bumped his head and conked out. Incoherent jarble escaped his lips, and his eyes were wide swirligigs.

"Ugnnnuhn..."

Yugi's Relived Memory

RING RING RING!

"GET IT, SOLDIER!" a man with long, blonde hair blonde in zigzags of red, black, and blonde yelled. He was tall, well-muscled, and looked to be about twenty-four or so. He didn't look very responsible. U He looked like he played with guns and sold video games. Actually, he played video games and sold guns. U

"YES UNCLE ZAKARI, SIR!" Yugi picked up the phone. (NOTE: I DO own Zakari. If you copy him, I WILL hunt you down and strip you off your skin like a pirahna, before I embalm your innards and cook your heart to a very tender, fleshy ripeness before digging in with a VERY pointy fork. So do not copy.)

"Hello, this is Alcoholics Annonymous, we're calling to inquire as to why you missed your meeting last Monday—"

Zakari blushed. "HANG UP, SOLDIER!"

"SIR YES SIR!" Yugi did just so compliantly.

"NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 1-800-COLLECT!"

"SIR YES SIR!" Yugi dropped to the floor and starting counting push-ups. "1! 8! 0! 0! C! O..."

Solomon Motou came in, looking a wee bit – okay, looking VERY tipsy.

"Has anybody seen my whisky flask?" he asked in a squeaky elderly woman's voice. He even made the motion to adjust his non-existant glasses.

"SIR NO SIR!" Zakari yelled in at his face.

"Oh." Solomon replied drowsily, "Well then what about Yugi?"

"WHAT ABOUT YOU YUGI?" Zakari shouted loudly.

"SIR NO SIR!" Yugi screamed back. His uncle smiled. "Good dog... here, have a biscuit."

Ending the dream sequence...

The scariest part about that dream?

It happened only three days ago.

The phone stopped ringing, and the answering machine picked it up.

"Malik-sama... I know you are there. I had to cross-reference tons of e-mails and tap wires illegally to find out where you were going, but it finally worked. Hehehehe... Anyway... you never told meh that you were staying the night at Ryou's!!! You better not do naughty things with him! NOTHING NAUGHTY I SAY! Although it's probably too late... he's probably already raped you... 'cuz he's a RAPIST!!!! Ok, just wanted to warn you. Besides, I don't think you and your little porn star boyfriend (not that he IS a porn star... or that anybody would actually buy those movies, just off the main pipe) would really appreciate that, huh? So I suggest you take 5-minute Kung Fu lessons. Just find some lady with a purse. She'll teach ya. Go, my grasshoppers, GO! Muahaha..."

Malik snatched up the phone. "Odion!? Is that you!?" Ryou gaped at Malik's stupidity.

"...Uh, no, it is the Easter bunny. Good day sir."

Click.

9:41

Yugi's unconscious form was strewn across the couch. Malik was sitting next to Yugi. Ryou was setting up the VCR when he released...

"HOLLYWOOD VIDEO GAVE US A DVD!" he screeched. Malik's hand clapped over his ears.

"Owch," he said. "Then... let's watch something on the BRAVO station."

Yugi stirred. "Bravo? Johnny... Bravo..." Yugi fell faceforward onto the floor, fainting dead away.

"..." Ryou stared. "How hard did he hit his head?"

"Pretty damn hard, I reckon'. Let's watch whatever's on."

"I can find the old version of Dirty Dancing, does that help? But it's almost halfway over."

"Works."

10:11

Yugi Motou cooed in his sleep, snuggling up against something warm. His eyes popped open, and then popped open even more wide when he saw Jennifer Grey onscreen wearing a lacy bra dancing on the tv screen.

"O.O;;;;" Yugi immediately sat up...

...and found himself sitting in Malik Ishtar's lap.

"...!!!" Yugi jumped off of the couch, blushing furiously. "Um, hi?"

"Hi," replied Malik nonchalantly. "You missed the part in the lake." The phone rang. "I'll get it."

"Hello?"

He was met with a dial tone. "Ah, shoot." He pressed a button to see if the person had left a message.

"You have four, new, messages. Time to listen up fatass. First message. BEEP."

"Dang Ryou you're popular," Yugi commented. Ryou gave him a small smile.

"Yeah, I know."

"HI! Do you have stupid friends? Do you often wish you could just throw them out? Well now you can! With our new robot, you can—" Ryou deleted the message mercifully before the rest of it played.

...but the horror continued. "—throw your friends out, and they won't even care because you have a robot and they'll be raving about how cool you are! Only $600 dollars in nickels, forwarded by mail to a discreet and shady address in Las Vegas. The address is—" Ryou once again tried to delete the message, but...

"5000 Sue Me Avenue. Goodbye!"

Click.

"Uhh," Ryou sighed, and leaned back against the couch. "Glad that's over with."

"Hello Ryou," came the voice of HAL from Odyssey, 2000 and... something. -.-;;

"Hi Answering Machine—what!?"

"I am your answering machine, and I know everything about you. Like the time you were six and wanted to be a unicorn. And _sparkly _unicorn. You even wore a sparkly unicorn costume for Halloween. And I know that your family isn't dead and wasn't in a car accident, you just say that they are so you can live off of welfare. I also know that... this is creeping you out... goodbye."

Click.

Ryou hyperventilated nervously.

The phone rang once more. Yugi picked it up this time, but Ryou shook his head sluggishly, and so Yugi gave Ryou the phone and a pot of fresh decaffeinated goodness. (Mmm, COFFEE...)

"We did some tracing, sir," the person from NASA said, "and the phone calls are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE."

"Gasp!" Ryou... gasped, his lips parted in an 'o'. A sexy 'o'. Let's all stare at Ryou's mouth... Sweat drop, okay now MOVING ON!!! REALLY!

There was a dramatic pause, in which chills ran a triathalon up and down the sexy, sexy, sexy white-haired teen's vertebrae. (Zap Brannigan: Sexy.)

'And I didn't have to bribe the authoress to say all this nice stuff about me?'Ryou wondered, coiling the phone wire around his finger. Sexy. (...sweat drops Alright, I know I'm stupid. BUT YOU SHOULD NOW! That's he's sexeh! Alright!?!?!)A/N: ... (sweat drops)

"...Wait. Why did you trace the calls if I didn't ask you to? And why do you work for NASA if you're a telephone operator?"

"Uh... maaaybeh!(2)" The man hung up the phone, and Ryou placed the creamy white phone back into its place. Just then Bakura came downstairs, looking remorseful. A/N: Bakura shall be OOC for the rest of the chappie. Just to warn ya. He'll be mean next time, I promise!!

"So you're the crazy caller!" Malik inculpated the Egyptian tomb robber from long ago, his words lashing out angrily, as well as his finger lashing out, pointing accusingly at the indictee.

"Yes," Bakura apologized maturely. "I'm sorry." 'Please don't take my knives away Ryou please please please! I need them to carve 'butthead' on Seto Kaiba's forehead...'

"That's not very nice!" Yugi complained loudly. Malik nodded.

"It's not nice to tease my friends!!" A huge purple cat loomed by the window. Then, it ran away, making a lot of crunching noises. Bakura glanced after it.

'Whatever,' he thought.

"So... you did this?" Ryou asked, twitching.

"Um... yes?"

Ryou clenched his fists. His eyes were shut tight, to avoid revealing the demon blue aura they were emanating right now. His teeth were grinding.

"Gulp," Yugi narrated his own actions. (Just like me!) Malik stood in front of him.

"Stand back Yugi," he warned wisely. Yugi grabbed the back of his shirt and trembled slightly.

"Okay," he answered, sounding kind of like Kagome from Inuyasha.

"Ba...KUR...A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-

End. - I hope you're liking this little mini-story here. After all, this fic IS sadly almost over... we're more than halfway done. U.U It's only 17 

That's the link where the picture of Yami is. Consider it an illustration of sorts. It's from my web site.

(1) it's French for "without preamble". (shrugs) I've been reading too much Tom Clancy. And you know _that. _It's got a little German, a little Italian, blabbity blabbity blaaaaah... It's really good though. .

(2) I'm quoting "Sheen" from "Jimmy Neutron". That's a good epp. Really.

Review Responses:

: You remind me of me SO much! The way I fawn over certain fanfictions... like Tasha3's, and Sonic19902's. I even saved one of them on a disk when my internet was down a few days ago. T.T Yes, I am crazy! Thank you for loving this fan fiction so much! It's the people like you that I am writing for. I would say I love you... but that's just weird.

Sephiroth or Anime-Crazy2: Have you heard of ? I'm Callie1075 there. You can post script. Hope to see ya there!

Chetra-Card: I... did... something, for you. O.O; Can't remember what it was tho! Lol. I had to do with your poems... TT I'm such a dork!

Thursday adams: OMG happy birthday!!!! ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

O o() Yes! Let us inspire the inspirer!! Because Thursday adams has been a great inspiration to me, across two web sites, no less! And thanks to EVERYONE who has reviewed so far. I really mean it. Every single reviewer is special. I swear it! ....Um, maybe except for that one – no, I mean every single one! (beams)

Kat meow: Thank you for giving me for that beautiful & unusual (albeit imaginary) gift. I am amused. That is good. I think... o.o; Have you seen it!? Eminem was on TV! He made fun of Michael Jackson in his newest m-vid and got Michael maaad, but good. I was very, very pleased. :)

Demented Insane Spirit: I salute you! When you update, you _really _update, you know that? I have a separate inbox specifically for Mediaminer/Fanfiction/Fictionpress updates, and at least 20 of the 100 pieces of mail in there right now (and this is an exact count) are from you. But anyway, that's off topic. You like Bakura/Anzu too? - Have you read anything by Tasha3? She writes good stuff. Although most of it got taken off, I have hope that maybe she'll repost it, anyway, or attempt to re-write it.

Mai Wheeler: S'alright, no problem! I was looking for fan fictions that had manga-only characters in them... I really like Hanasaki, and I think that before this is through, he will definitely appear in this. He has such potential in a fan fiction. Thanx 4 saying that my fic is cool – this is one of my best ones. My other really good ones were all taken off... so this is all I have. (frowns) But anyway. "Owari" means "end" in Japanese. "Owarimasu" means "to end" (can also be said as "owaru", but whatever). I usually like putting these at the end of my fics nowadays. Oh, and on another note, the poems weren't by me, they were written by Chetra-card. Ok, that's it!

Captain Inuyasha777: Awwww, but Yugi's so ke-yute! And that's pretty awesome.

Sesshomarufangirl: You are the coolest person that's ever reviewed. You sound just like me. It's weird.

Seto's Dragoness: That wasn't a crappy review! Have a little faith in yourself... :)

Obscured Illusions: So what you are saying is that I age every four chapters. Therefore, I will be approximately sixteen – no, seventeen when I finish this story. Hm. Now there's an idea. But I'm kind of too short to drive.

UGH! XP This chapter was HORRIBLE! The next one will be better...


	13. Ministory! Ryou's Answering Machine II!

Review responses:

Yo! I tried to spit this chap out to make up for lost time... U Didn't happen. Not by a LONG, LONG, LONG, LOOOOOOOOONG shot! Eh-heh… I am soooooooooooooo sorry for the wait. I feel guilty! I had a HUGE case of writer's block as far as this fic goes. I mean, the last chapter was hard to top! Thanks to the FR's who reviewed the same day that I posted up Chapter 12. That made me feel very special and happy inside. I hope people still remember this fic! This chapter, sadly, isn't very good, I think. Hm… It's not as long as Chapter 12, which saddens me. But that is okay! I hope. :(

However! I am very excited about my new plans for this story, because I have decided to translate it into French! I am really, really, really excited! In fact, I am almost finished with the first chapter. Like I said, I'm so excited!

Chetra-card: Don't you DARE run out of ideas on me! Lol... your poems are very pretty, you know, and very emotional. Thanks for contributing to this fan fiction! It made it magnifique!

Random Person number 3: ...Where... did I say... that Bakura liked Seto? Oh.. OH.. the threat, right. (slaps forehead) I'm such a dolt. Lol. Thanks for your review! I will surely read your fic, as Joey torture is pretty funny... (Joey-fangirls, take no heed. This never happened. Flash.)

Jamie: Your review made me laugh. Yes, grass IS weird. I mean, it's so... green. And it grows capriciously! But we shouldn't worry until plants are given brains. THEN we should run. Maybe to Antarctica...? But then, we'd have to fly. I'll buy the tickets.

CaptainInuyasha777: Lol. VERY helpful. (rolls eyes)

cwthewolf: No, no, no, don't cry. oO I shall feel guilty if you do! D'oh!

Celeb'ronyo: "Just doing my civil duty, sir!" Lol, good movie.

Yami'sGirl: Thanks!

Yugis Lover Girl: Well I'm glad you found it:D

MalikRules: Your wish is my command. That happens in this chapter. I actually watched Scary Movie 3 the other day, so it was fresh on my mind. :)

Ripper-Roo: Gotta watch out for those swivel chairs! (shakes fist at a swivel chair) Hope you are enjoying being 15!

Phoenix of the Sea: Non-script stories, script stories… why can't we all just get _along? ;;_

Bakura4u: I like stalkers. They make me feel special.

Akio: DO NOT CONTRADICT ME, CRETIN! …..You ever notice how somehow, I mention you in my fics a lot without meaning to? O.o; Odd.

Mana-The-Authoress: You… You amuse me. Your reviews are fun to read. Keep them coming!

Lil a dawg: Calm the heck down, Allie. -.-#

Klaus Lover Girl: Yay! You found it:D

Lego Vasavouchi: Thank you for adding me to your Favs list. - I am honored!

Dyingmemories: Oddly enough, I get that a lot, so you didn't freak me out. It's actually rather all that people have been saying lately… (sweatdrops) You think it's a hint?

yamimarikfan: Creepy? Creepy is good, I guess. I know a lot of people were kind of disappointed when I made this consensually Yugi/Malik… Truth be told, I think it's a pretty cute couple. I mean, come on. You know you want to see Yami's reaction! But I'll try to lighten the mood and make this less creep for you, then.

IF ANYBODY LIKES RAP, I WOULD STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU ALL TO READ MY STORY "TASTES LIKE PUDDING". I NEED MORE REVIEWS FOR IT! PLEEEEEASE!

This chapter is dedicated to FillerxBunny, because the other day I realized that there was only one person on their favorite author list – me. (tear) :)

You've been waiting for it for MONTHS…

WELL HERE IT IS! (people cheer raucously)

Last time, on DRAGON BALL Z!

"You'll never get away with this Cell!" Goku made a fist. "ChiChi is MY WIFE! YOU CAN'T JUST GROPE HER AND RUN AWAY!"

"He he he he he!" Cell snickered at Goku's folly. "Your daddy screwed my me last night and it was hot!" Cell chided like a schoolkid.

"That's it! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

"Kameha-Ku-RA!"

Yugi trembled behind Malik. Ryou looked livid, like a Wolverine who forgot to take his Prozac… this didn't look good.

"You got that right!" agreed Goku, who was sipping Coors with Cell. Then they magically disappeared when Bakura sent them to the Shadow Realm.

"Yes?" Bakura answered innocently, a glowing halo floating supernaturally above his head. Ryou sweat dropped.

"You're grounded. No video games and no pizza with anchovies," Ryou officiated floutingly.

("Ew! Anchovies?" said Yugi. "They're quite good," said Malik. "Really?" Yugi looked bewildered.)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O!" Bakura screamed. Everyone sweat dropped again, including Bakura.

' They're influencing me…' Bakura thought shadily. "BEGONE, SWEAT DROP OF THE LIGHTER REALM!" Bakura threw his arms up, waiting for something to happened. Something did happen, only it was in Iran, so Bakura looked really stupid.

"Go to your room, Bakura," Ryou commanded sternly. Yugi was trying very hard not to laugh at the former tomb robber. He had this impression of Bakura wearing an apron, Ryou wearing a business suit, and a large mace that was being brandished threateningly. Of course, Ryou was too nice to actually hit somebody. But it was a nice thought. :)

'I have to tell Yami about this!' Yugi promised himself that he would. The spirit of the Millennium Ring would absolutely die to have this kind of blackmail on the tomb robber redivivus. Never mind the fact that by ridiculing the scene Yugi was therefore calling himself, and all hikaris, weaker than the yamis—this was blackmail opportunity, babey! OHW!

"Well, actually, it's more of the den, since I sleep on the couch, play video games on the couch, have sex on the---you never heard that." Ryou, Malik, and Yugi face faulted. "And I watch the TV. That's important. Like, I was watching _Anchorman _the other day. It was really funny."

Malik and Yugi looked like this: "OO" And the quotation marks are girly eyelashes, thickly done with um… insert make-up term #47 here. So they looked surprised AND scary! Wow.

"I don't care what you watched or how educational it was or which of our neighbors' satellite dish you stole," Ryou continued to command. "Go there. Now. Disconnect the PS2. Now. And the Xbox. Now."

Bakura opened his mouth to speak in protest.

"AND the Dreamcast, yes, AND the Sega Genesis, AND the Nintendo 64—

"He has a Nintendo 64?" Malik wondered. Yugi stuck his tongue out at Bakura.

"Loser!"

"—AND the Playstation, and also that system that nobody cares about anymore."

Yugi decided to pipe up just then. "The Atari?" he suggested. "The 8-bit one, where the only real good games on it were Pitfall?"

Ryou nodded exuberantly. "Yeah, that's the one," he disclosed. "Also, Bakura, I would like for you to unhook my Gamecube."

"He has a Gamecube?"

"LOSER!"

"But Ryou-ch—"

"NOW!"

Bakura slumped. His posture was worse than a rebellious teenager's. "Fine…"

Ryou smiled amiably. "Thank you, Bakura." He bowed curtly. In response to his hikari's polite rejoinder, Bakura hastily gave Ryou the bird.

"Here, Ryou." Bakura handed him his WonderSwan. "I suppose you want this too."

"Yup."

"'Kay." Bakura looked left, then right, and then he stuck up his middle finger and ran up the stairs before Ryou could yell at him for it. But instead of yelling, the snowy-haired boy turned to Malik and Yugi. "So, what do you guys want to do now?"

"We could play those video games that Bakura's disconnecting up there," Malik suggested. Bakura's eyes became dinner plates. "NO! NOT MY BABIES!" He rushed up the stairs. Inside Joke #1 A/N: This chapter is randomly dedicated to Kristan, my Teacher's Aide at camp two years ago. Because she would understand this joke more than anyone.

"oO;; O…k." Yugi shook his head, his bangs continuously falling into his face. This created a cute effect for all to enjoy. "That was weird. I'm glad that Yami is my Yami now… instead of… uh… your Yami."

"Your Yami must surely do _something _that's annoying," Ryou insisted. Yugi thought about this for a second—and shuddered, wishing he hadn't thought at all, ever.

_Once Upon A Flashback…_

"_Yugi, I won!" Yami leapt up, effectively socking Yugi in the nose with his wayward elbow. Trickles of red dripped from the shorter blonde's nostrils. Yugi's fingers clamped down on his nose to staunch the blood flow. "Eh, Yugi? Stop holding your nose and look! I WON! …Hey what's that red stuff?"_

_And They All Lived Happily in the Present._

"Erm… well… He doesn't believe in blood…" Yugi sweat dropped, remembering the facial coagula – his "bloodstache" – that he had had for a week.

"Ohhhhhhhhh." Malik and Ryou nodded sympathetically. "I don't get it." Yugi sweat dropped again.

Suddenly, all the power went out, swathing the three teenage figures in darkness. Only their eyes shown brightly like three pairs of moons in a cartoon. Yugi blinked kawaiily. Malik took a step closer towards Yugi. Although Malik could never tell anyone, he had a tacit fear of the dark because it reminded him of the underground area where he was raised. Being near Yugi made him feel safer, somehow. It was as if Odion or Ishizu were right next to him, telling him that there weren't any gang bangers nearby and that they would be damned if one of them was going to get near him anyhow—in a very, very vague way.

"Oh, shoot!" came a shout from upstairs. Okay, so there were four figures swathed in darkness, one of which kept tripping over what was either a Genesis or a Dreamcast. Which one was it? The world may never know.

"Bakura!" Ryou wailed haplessly. "What did you do?"

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOTHING!"

"-.- That was the guiltiest-sounding voice I have ever heard in my entire life," Malik muttered. "And I live with Marik AND Odion! And don't you think Odion isn't mischeivious, because there was this one time when he ran over a cat with a lawn mower, sold the lawn mower on E-bay, and it was actually bought by Gunther von Hagens, all before Isis knew that the neighbor's cat was dead! There was this other time he cut up all my underwear with scissors."

Yugi smiled at this. Malik could sense it even if he couldn't feel it. Malik edged closer.

"Bakura knows guilt?" he asked curiously. "Is that a new feature that you can buy for your yami at the superstore?"

Ryou turned to him and smiled. "At Best Buy," he explained. "Be sure to go there first, because Walmart's all out."

Yugi nodded. "Thank you."

"No problem!" Ryou then shouted up the stairs in a stentorian voice, "BAKURA, TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON!"

"-.- You're very fond of yelling tonight, aren't you, my good chum?" came the voice from above. And no, it wasn't God.

"Call me a good chum again and I'll gauge both your eyes out," Ryou threatened.

"Ooh, you can be the next Tereisias!" Inside Joke #2. Tereisias was a blind seer in Greek myths. All seers in Greek myths are blind. At least, most of them are.

"Umm, who's talking?"

"I can't tell, it's too dark."

"Ah."

"Yes."

"That would make sense."

"Yes."

"…"

"Blblblblblb!"

"What the heck is that all about?"

"Who said that?"

"Who said what?"

"Who said 'What the heck is that all about?"

"I did."

"……………Dude, who the hell are you!"

"O.O Yugi, did YOU just say that?"

"Uhm, no…"

"Yes he did!"

":D Yu-gi cu-ssed! Yu-gi cu-ssed!"

"Shut the #$ up you !()ing (&!wipes."

"O.O Whoa."

"O.O He's good."

"O.O That he is."

"O.O He's better than my yami."

"Cut it out!" Yugi protested vehemently.

"Whatever," Malik said. "My eyes are getting used to this darkness…"

"Mine too," Yugi answered. "Um… wow, Ryou."

"What?" the Brit piped up. "What is it?"

"Your skin… It glows in the dark." Yugi's eyes got very wide. Indeed, Ryou's skin was glowing… in the dark. He was like a glow-in-the-dark… Brit.

"My gosh Ryou, you're a nightlight!" Yugi blurted. Ryou swiped at him, but in the darkness he missed, and the crash of a breaking lamp was heard instead. Ryou sweat dropped. "Oops."

"Albino," Malik spat derisively. "Uhm, so, we're going to need candles or something right?" Malik asked, grimacing. Yugi's eyes flickered with an unknown emotion.

"Oh, yah." Ryou scratched the back of his head. "Well, there's some in the kitchen and then there is some in the living room as well… I guess I'll go into the kitchen, you guys look in the living room. It should be in one of the cabinets."

"Ok, Yugi, let's go." Malik turned around and started dragging Yugi with him. Yugi decided to lighten the mood by doing something delightfully silly.

Yugi grinned at his 'boyfriend'. "SING IT WITH ME NOW! 'I'm a goofy goober/ You're a goofy goober!' "

"- I'd rather not."

Yugi stopped singing, and sniffed the air, miffed. He then shot Malik and equally sour look that inspired ill hatred.

"Yarou."

"I'm sorry Yugi," Malik said meaningfully. He really meant it. He didn't want to piss Yugi off, since he had grown to truly like Yugi. Yugi was nice, cute, funny, and could kick ass at card games. What was there _not _to like, besides the 3-to-5,000 year old Pharaoh residing in his Millennium Puzzle? Well, there was his stature, but hey, let's face it – short people are adorable. A/N: Or at least, that's what I keep telling myself. ;) I'm short.

"That's okay," Yugi apologized. "I'm sorry for calling you that. I don't usually cuss much."

"Yeah, I never begged you as somebody who swore," Malik said frankly.

"You mean pegged," Ryou corrected.

"Right. What did I say?"

Yugi's vituperation _had _seemed rather unusual. Just then, Malik tripped over the carpet. Yugi balanced precariously on his tip-toes. The smaller blonde narrowly avoided following over onto Malik—which is good, 'cuz this is PG-13 and that would wax erotic. Lol. Yes, I said lol. Leave me alone, you creeps.

Yugi blinked kawaiily, blushing (also kawaiily). "Um… Here." Yugi held out his large palm for Malik to grasp, which he did. Yugi pulled Malik back to his feet. Malik stumbled and ended up grabbing Yugi's shoulder. His bombastic lavender orbs' pupils darted this way and that like a villain scouting the soon-to-be scene of the crime.

" . " went Malik.

" . " went Malik.

Malik leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Yugi's amethyst eyes widened kawaiily. (Kawaiily again!)

"Why did you—"

"It was an accident," Malik said unconvincingly, dropping Yugi's shoulders and walking away. Yugi was left to blush.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Ryou had already found the candles and had lit them. There was just one eensy, weensy problem…

"MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!"

Ryou ran around in circles very, very fast. Somehow - even though this defies the law of physics – this put his hair "out". Just then, the phone rang. Ryou clutched the phone and pressed the talk button.

"Hello?" he asked breathlessly.

"_Seven days…" _The person on the other end hung up. Ryou realized that technically, since the entire house was void of electricity, he shouldn't have been able to answer the phone anyhow.

Outside of Ryou's house, people were throwing snowballs at it in the middle of whatever month it was. Let's just say it wasn't snowing. It was Mokuba, Seto, and Roland! The were conga-ing, pulling a snow-making machine behind them.

"I really need a new job," Roland admitted.

"But we'll go to a party after this, Roland!" Mokuba reminded him. "There will be hula girls!"

"…Oh… riiight…" Roland smiled and grabbed another handful of slush, getting ready to throw it at the house.

Malik and Yugi were busy tripping over things. Because of the lack of perspicacity, they decided to make a game out of it.

"Oof! I think I tripped over a dead body," Yugi declared.

"Well I tripped over a Ferrari!" Malik challenged.

"I tripped over a horse," Yugi countered. He heard Malik chuff in the darkness. "I tripped over the Titanic."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Did so! Here's Leonardo di Caprio!"

Leo ran screaming from the house.

Somewhere, the phone rang. Malik was almost afraid to listen, for fear that Tristan had phoned with more tales of his father's diarrhea. Those diuretic predicaments were going to be the death of him.

Luckily, it was RYOU who had to pick up:D Lucky, right?

Meanwhile, Ryou's cell phone rang. Ryou scrabbled for it, as it was somewhere on top of one of the counters. He reached it too late. "Darn." So he listened to his voice messages:D Hooray! An advancement in the plot! Woo-hoo! Finally.

"You have 7 new messages," his cell phone told him in a sexy, lubricious voice.

". Hi Carol!" Yes, Ryou named his cell phone Carol. Sad, ne?

"First message."

"Dear Mr. Bakura, we are calling to remind you that your subscription to Playboy magazine is about to run out."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Ryou. "Waaaaaait a second… I never subscribed to—"

"If you would like to renew this subscription, just call 1-800-411-6969. Thank you for 'pulling a Miroku' and subscribing!"

BEEP.

"Next message."

"O.O Ryou, there are owls!"

Ryou scowled. Bakura was leaving prank calls, was he? But it turned out that this was not quite the case, as Ryou's voice was limpidly distinguished as the other voice in the message.

"Bakura, I'm right here."

"OWLS, Ryou! Look at them. Turning their heads all the way around… it's like in Exorcist!"

"Bakuuuuuura, I'm right HERE! You're wasting my minutes!"

"Well, you're wasting my owls! Hey, can owls throw up like in Exorcist too?"

"There's a sequel to Exorcist?" Insert the sound of a newspaper page flipping. "How would you even know that? And why are you chucking my bagel at the window?"

"No, I mean 'too' as in also?"

"Pardon? Hey, whose number did you call, anyway? You're not supposed to call anybody anyway. Your parole officer--"

BEEP.

"—has skipped town," Ryou finished. "So everything is copacetic."

"Next message," purrrrrrred Carol.

", Okay hun!" Ryou listened up.

"Dear Bakura, this is the president of the Kentucky! DON'T SAY I DON'T EXIST! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! YOU OWE ME MONEY AND A FRANKFURTER AND A WIFE! AND A NEW WHITE HOUSE! Think you're just gonna come barging in with some dynamite and not have to pay, eh? Well you're WRONG! Bwahaha, bwahahahahaha! LONG LIVE RICHARD NIXON, AL GORE, AND CELINE DION!"

BEEP.

"Next message."

"Ryou! 'Tis Tea! How are you? I am fine! I am coloring in butterflies on my computer! Those colorful little bastards! He he he! So how are you? I was wondering if you knew where my chainsaw is? I seem to have misplaced it. Bombinating cutting bastard! He he he! So, drop me a line if you see it! Friends forever!"

BEEP.

Ryou heard a chainsaw revv upstairs. He sweat dropped. "Oh, Lordy Lordy, look what I found today!" he descried.

"Next message."

"This is… the Oracle. I predict… that, Malik will be raped by Joey in a Blockbuster. That will be his punishment for not going to Hollywood video. The Oracle… has… spoken…"

BEEP.

"That was so definitely Bakura's voice!" Ryou decried in Kim Possible's voice.

"NO IT WASN'T!" screamed Bakura from upstairs. Ryou sweat dropped.

"BAKA NO YAMI!"

"UNCUTE PRETTY BOY!"

"Eh…? BAKURA, YOU JERK!"

"URUSAI AKANE!"

Ryou sweat dropped. "Now I'm confused."

"Next message," continued Carol. The sound of a whipped cream container being shook up was heard in the background. "Me-yow."

"Ryou? Hi, this is your father. I realize that I don't call much, but I wanted to make sure of a few things. A-hem. So, here I go. First of all, are you wearing clean underwear every day? It's very unhealthy not to, you know. …Not to mention gross. Second, is Bakura under control? I saw something on the news about a chainsaw."

Ryou sweat dropped. "Don't," he mumbled deliriously, his palms all sweaty, "let me be the last to know./ Don't, hold back, just let it gooooo…"

"Uhm, third… listen, Ryou, you can tell your father anything, you know that? So I was just wondering… are you… are you gay? Because Amane said that you and Bakura – oh, never mind. She was probably lying. Yes, I am admitting that your little sister was spewed forth from the chthonic, amber foams of Heck. Um, fourth. Ryou, this is a very important question, so I want you to listen closely."

Ryou physically and mentally leaned towards his cell phone. "I'm listening, Dad," he said.

"Are you listening yet?"

"I just said that."

"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?" Bakura shouted from upstairs.

"NOBODY, NOW GO AWAY!"

"FINE! BE THAT WAY!"

Ryou huffed. "I WILL!" A/N: Inside joke #2, between me and Marykins!

"…Do you know the muffin man? Well, I've got to get going… see ya!"

BEEP.

Ryou anime fainted. "WHO THE HECK IS THE MUFFIN MAN?" cried Ryou. Bakura stuck his head into the kitchen. "He lives on Dreary Lane, or something like that," Bakura said.

"You _knew about this!" _Ryou screamed in aggravation. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why should I of?" Bakura asked curiously.

"Half the world already thinks we're gay! WE SHOULD TELL EACH OTHER THESE THINGS!" Ryou collapsed on Baku's shoulder and sobbed like an overworked woman who just found out that you can't have pension at the age of twenty-five.

"'Snot my day," Bakura observed. He patted Ryou on the back. "There there… I'll get rid of the awful phone for you." The Millennium Ring started to glow brilliantly, and pretty soon Ryou's phone imploded. Bakura smiled sympathetically at his hikari. "Better?" he asked. Ryou just broke down crying even harder, thinking of all the money that he would spend buying a new one. Then he calculated (while still hiccuping lachrymosely) how many cream puffs he couldn't buy with that money. Just then, Malik and Yugi tripped their way into the kitchen.

"I tripped over a penny!" Yugi declared.

"I tripped over Blade!" Malik cried.

"OWWWWWWWWCH!" screamed Blade.

"I tripped over the newest edition of _Gamepro _magazine!" Yugi asseverated.

"I tripped over a Ponyta!" Malik announced.

"Wouldn't that set stuff on fire, Malik?" Yugi said quizzically. Malik nodded happily.

"Flame good," he explicated. "Uhm, Bakura, why is Ryou crying?"

"Because he's British," Bakura stated. Malik sweat dropped. "That's not a good reason!"

Bakura smirked. "Then he's crying for your soul. You're going to be raped by Joey in a Blockbuster."

"NO! NOT IN A BLOCKBUSTER!" cried Malik dramatically. "–Wait, did you say by Joey?" Yugi looked doltishly dumbfounded. Yeah, right, like Joey was gay…

"Uh-huh." The spirit of the soi-disant Ring of Wisdom, the corners of his mouth folded up like origami into a huge, beaming, triumphant smile/smirk.

Malik fell to his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO!"

Bakura heard the soft sound of a belated _beep._

"Total slaughter,

"Total slaughter,

"I won't leave a single man alive.

"La de da de dai, Genocide.

"La de da de duh, An ocean of blood.

"Let's begin the killing time."

The creepiest thing was, whoever was singing it sounded like Michael Jackson on helium, and they were singing it to the tune of one of the Zelda themes.

Malik, Yugi, Ryou and Bakura ran up the stairs screaming.


	14. The not so triumphant return of MAM!

マリクの留守番電話

Malik's Answering Machine!

I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Or lasagna, for that matter, but the war against the chef who patented lasagna and me is a whooooole different story. And I shouldn't talk about it here. It's classified by the government. I do not own the idea for insert thing here 'R Us, I copied it from my favorite author here, Sonic19902. An important note! **_I did not review my own story. _**That was my lil' sis. Please excuse her. nn;; That happens from time to time. He he he. Oh, and I'm sorry times a ZILLION for not updating this sooner! I should have!

----

----

----

"It's so sweet of you to stay for dinner," Yugi's mom told Malik. A warm smile was plastered sincerely on her face. For those of you who have never seen Yugi's mom, she's tall, skinny, and has short, red hair. She looks nothing like Yugi or his grandpa. --; Ish just so weird.

Malik blushed lightly. "Uhh, thank you ma'am." The platinum blonde tried to smile back as warmly as she had, but it came across as really geeky. Geeky, but cute. Next to him, Yugi giggled in that extremely girly way that only he could get away with. Not even Tea could get away with it. Nuh-uh, no she couldn't. Stop arguing with me! ONLY YUGI CAN/COULD! Save the whales.

The short, cute blondie was wearing a white Neopets t-shirt with a blue aisha on it, and baggy, light blue jean shorts. Malik was wearing his usual Battle City outfit. Ashamed as he was to admit it, he had wanted to look cool for Yugi when he came over to play video games in his room. It must have worked beautifully, because Yugi glomped Malik immediately upon sight. The two had decided they were definitely a couple, and all of the readers' doubts dissipated for good. - Happy?

"No!" came about a dozen replies. "I hate shounen-ai!"

.. Touchy, touchy. But you will stay for the humor, will you not? I certainly hope so.

Yami was standing by the window, peering into the tenebrous outside world. "Hey Solomon?" he started to ask.

"It's Grandpa," Grandpa Motou corrected him. "That's what it says on my birth certificate. And what is it?"

"Why is there an angry mob outside our house?" Grandpa "Solomon" Motou shrugged.

"Don't worry about it. It's not like it's a group of angry, anti-shounen-ai reviewers who are unhappy with this fan fiction." Solomon shrugged and sipped his tea, pinky extended. Yugi sweat dropped out of embarrassment.

"I'm not related to him, I swear," Yugi said. This caused Yami's gaze to shift from outside, to Solomon, to Yugi. Yami stared intensely, which, as you will eventually figure out, he does a lot, especially in this chapter.

"But Grandpa… they have pitchforks," Yami pointed out, his gaze unshifting. He cringed as he said the word "pitchforks". Solomon cringed, but for a different reason. Yugi's grandfather cringed, feeling violated under the harsh glare of Yami's intense amethyst gaze.

"Um…"

"Did you know three people at this table have purple eyes?" Mrs. Motou said cheerfully, bending over with her hands on her hips. "Hm? Did you know it? Hm? And that makes six purple eyes! Six!"

Yugi blushed a little out of embarrassment. Hidden by the tablecloth, Malik's hand found his. Malik caressed his hand reassuring, and Yugi let out a small smile. This, however, turned into an unhappy frown once he realized Yami's glare was aimed at him. Chills ran up and down all over his body. Yami then looked distastefully at Malik, his mouth puckering as if he had just eaten something extremely sour.

"Oh great," Malik moaned, stuffing a for into his incredibly busy broccoli. The one piece took up the whole plate, and was twice as thick as a soup can around. Yugi sweat dropped at the size of it.

'No wonder he's so skinny,' he thought, and then he dug into his lasagna.

"So, Pharaoh," Malik said, motioning whimsically with his fork, attached to which was a little green alien codenamed broccoli, "what have you been doing lately?"

"That is none of your unworthy business, heathen." Yami snorted. Yugi blinked, blinked and stared at his soul partner with wide eyes.

"Heathen's a compliment, Yami," the worried boy pointed out. Yami paled.

"Oh, I meant cretin," Yami corrected. "Sorry about that."

Yugi wrinkled his nose. "There's a rabbit's foot in my pizza."

"We're eating pasta, Yugi," Yami pointed out.

Yugi blushed earnestly. "Oh, right. Errr… _I _knew that. Yeah. I was just… testing you! Yeah, that's it!"

"Yeah right. Everybody knows you fail all your tests."

"Wow Yami you're really nasty today." Yami responding by wrinkling his nose – making him look really wrinkly, like some kind of old tarot card reader you meet at a carnival and get shammed by – and grunting. Those hard, purple eyes were trained on him warningly.

Yugi's mother sat down daintily at the end of the table. On her sides were an empty space and Solomon. Solomon was sitting next to the windows across from the empty chair. Next to that chair sat our little Hobbit friend Frodo, who was sitting next to (only Solomon knew) his boyfriend, who was adjacent to Yami, as luck would have it. Everyone ate quietly for awhile, until Yugi's mother piped up.

…We have received a correction message mentioning something about Yugi being Frodo or something like that. Whatever.

"So, where do you go to school?" she asked, stuffing more lasagna into her mouth.

"Uhm, I go to that private school downtown," Malik explained.

"What's it called?" Mrs. Motou inquired politely.

"Uhhhmmm…" 'Crap. I don't know.' "Well actually it doesn't matter because everybody there has to be relocated."

"What happened?"

"Uhm, an RPG A/N: Rocket propelled grenade hit the science department."

"Oh, how terrifying!"

"Er, yeah." 'Ra, that Science teacher was annoying!' "Yeah, it was terrifying. I was there…" 'They put me in the mental hospital for three days afterward. I was in a padded cell, and they still made me wear a straightjacket! Sheesh. But at least Mr. Boulevard died, heheh.'

Yugi shot Malik a disapproving look. The grin on his boyfriend's face was a sure sign that he was thinking of something positively awful… and wasn't letting him in on it! Darn him!

'Awwwww, man!' Yugi shoveled more lasagna into his mouth. 'I never get let it on anything fun. Dang it.' Yugi sent a furtive glance towards his grandfather, who was eating macaroni. The senile geezer also had dried macaroni noodles set next to him in a clear, plastic cup. He was using a paper plate to place the dried macaroni noodles on, and he had a set of four crayons next to him – red, blue, green and orange. Don't you just hate it when it's orange? I do. It's like the whole world is suddenly prejudice against yellow or something. What's up with that? I mean, the sun is yellow, for Pete's sake!

Pete pressed his face against the window, staring at the delicious food. "Mmmm… brownies," he said.

"They're eating pasta, Pete," Pete's imaginary friend, Lardo, told him. Pete's face mushed together as he conjured up fat, wet tears.

Yugi blinked as his grandpa's orange crayon evolved into a sunny yellow one, and then watched interestedly as his grandpa drew a smiley face with the red crayon. Solomon Motou grinned and giggled to himself. Yugi sweat dropped.

'This, ladies and gentleman, is the only companion whom I have to gossipmonger with,' Yugi announced to the audience inside his head.

'W00T!' went the audience. 'WE WANT PORN!'

Biiiiiiiiig sweat drop. Yugi turned, suddenly _tres fatigue_, to Malik. "Hey Malik, your cell phones vibrating."

"Huh?" Malik looked at his hip, where his cell phone was. "No, that's my pager. It's probably some – " Miss Motou wiped her mouth daintily with a napkin and looked away " – asshole trying to cell me something, or maybe just a plain asshole named Bakura." Malik straightened up as took a big bite out a long celery stalk and crunched down on it noisily. Yugi cringed.

"How can you eat that stuff?" he asked.

"I'm a vegetarian," Malik explained.

"Oh."

Yami set down his fork and looked at Yugi. "Yugi, how did you know that Malik's pager was vibrating? Does it make a noise?"

Yugi sweat dropped.

"No it doesn't," Malik informed him, "it's noiseless."

Yugi sweat dropped again. "Well, you see, Yami," he tried to explain, "we, uh, well, the chairs are pretty close… I could feel it."

Yami's purple eyes narrowed into slits. "Oh _really_?" he hissed.

"Yesp, really," Solomon lisped, having burnt his tongue on his piping hot macaroni.

Yugi looked at Yami and gulped. "Yes, really."

"There's plenty of room over here, Yugi." Yugi's Mom patted the space next to her. Yugi gulped and, with a small, regretting inward sigh, scooted his chair over so that he was halfway between his mom and Malik. Around this time Yami decided to show his hawk impersonation to Malik. He stared.

"… oOU" Malik sweat dropped.

And he stared.

"… oOU" And Malik sweat dropped.

And he stared— oh, wait, no, never mind. Yami turned back to his chicken parmesan, not entirely satisfied with his staring job. Maybe he'd have to true again.

'Whew!' Malik sighed. 'Glad that's over with. Yami's eyes are so… creepy when he stares. Kind of like Yugi's.' Malik turned to Yugi and did a double take. 'Well, they ARE Yugi's eyes, except darker and gloomier. But Yugi could still do a pretty good death glare if he wanted to.' "Bah! Why am I thinking this?" Malik dug into his celery again, only to see exactly… seven ¾ pairs of eyes staring at him. "What?"

"You said 'bah'," Yami informed him.

Yugi suggested sweetly, "were you impersonating a lamb?" Mrs. Motou stifled a giggle, and Malik could feel his face grow hot.

"Um, no… Yes, I uh—"

"He's my sheep!" Solomon declared, leaping onto the table. The plates rattled.

"Huh?" Exactly 3 15/75 people gaped at the foolish old man.

"Yes! Ever since I've been a babe – and BOY, was I EVER a BABE – it's been my DREAM to herd sheep! So, Malik's my sheep!" Solomon hopped down into his seat and beckoned towards Malik. "So, come here Malik. _Koi, ureshi no kohitsuji._"

Author's Note: Come here, happy lamb. O.O;;

…..

"Uhm, no." Malik leaned as far back in his seat as he could.

"Awww." Solomon's cheery, bright smile turned into a deep frown. "Don't you like me?"

Malik's mouth was on auto-pilot.

"Uhm, no." Solomon looked about ready to cry.

"There, there, dear," Mrs. Motou said comfortingly, "I think it's time for your long nap. So be a dear and go have fun with Mr. Blankie and pillow, okay?"

"Uhm, no."

"He wasn't talking to you," Yami snapped tersely.

"My 'mom's' a 'she'," Yugi corrected him.

"Oh." Yami, again, went back to his delightful food.

"Ok!" Grandpa "Solomon" Motou jumped up and skipped out of the room, singing, "la dee da dee doo!" to the tune of Scooby Doo saying, "Rooby rooby roo!" (That, my friend, is the language of PIRATES. Arrrr. -X.X-)

Mrs. Motou stood up and dusted off her dress before following the old man to make sure he didn't eject himself with low concentration Ebola or something highly improbable of that sort. There was also the possibility that he could get hit by a flying toilet, or choke on his own tongue. Both had happened multiple times in the past.

"Um wow." Malik squeaked without a pause in-between his words. "Yugi I didn't realize you're grandpa was so unstable."

"Oh, yeah." Yugi waved his hand in off-handed gesticulation. So then how could he do that? Hmm… Feel free to ponder this, one of the many mysteries I'll never take the time to explain.

"He's been like that all his life. Hit his head when he was 4 and never went back."

"Like My Louisiana Sky!" Malik said excitedly, happy to see that Yugi had read his favorite book. Alright, so, truth be told, that was the only book that Malik had ever read besides the mass amounts of ancient scriptures. Yugi nodded.

"Yes, that's it. I—"

"I believe your phone's ringing," Yami asseverated gruffly, jabbing his thumb in the direction towards a small shelf behind Malik's head where he had put the item.

"Huh? Oh." Malik scrunched his face up, until he finally recognized the tune of Für Elise. "Yeah, thanks." He reached for it, but it was too late, and a message had already been recorded. "Oh, well, it's too late."

"Listen to it," Yugi ordered him. "You always have such interesting messages, Malik-kun."

Malik gulped and sincerely hoped two things: 1, that it wouldn't be Ishizu, and 2, that Yami didn't happen to catch that –kun."

Yami sat adjacent to the Egyptian teen, knowing only two things: 1, that he hoped it might be Ishizu, 'cuz she had a sexy voice, and 2, that Yugi had called the Egyptian Malik-kun.

"Are you sure?" Yugi nodded feverishly. "Alright then…" Malik set his cell phone in the middle of the table so that both he and Yugi – and Yami, he supposed, though the stuck-up Pharaoh probably didn't give a damn – could hear. He took a deep breath and held it. Then pressed a button.

"You have 7 new messages."

"o0"

"Hello hikari! I'm calling because I… kind of broke the Eiffel Tower… they wanted money, but I gave them a fake address. Should I feel bad? ;; I don't know. Um… bye!" BEEP.

Yami stared at Malik's cell as if it had just grown the three head's of the three stooges. Malik tensed; unfortunately, his phone was broken and so no longer asked if you wanted to continue. He could only hope…

"Malik. Am at Starlet's. Will be back later. Love, Odion. P.S. No, that is not 'love' as in the 'love' that involves spooning and such. I already change your diapers. What more do you want, you big, overgrown, platinum blonde pansy? Shees!" BEEP.

Malik murmured, "he should have just written a memo." Yugi nodded fervently.

"Who's Starlet?" the hot, adorable, though diminutive boy sitting next to Malik wondered aloud.

"His girlfriend."

"OoU Oh."

"OoU" went Yami too, and he, increasingly interested, said, "play the next one Malik."

"I'm not your slave Pharaoh!" Malik shouted.

"Fine, be that way!" Yami stuck out his tongue at the stuck-up stick-up.

"I will!" Malik sighed. "Ohhhh boy. I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Idiocy makes you cuter," Yugi whispered so that only the two of them could hear.

"Dear Mr. Ishtar, you have just won the Win-A-Billion-Dollars-Jackass sweepstakes! Just sign the papers at our office in the next 5.120005 minutes, and the money is yours!" BEEP.

"Malik…" Ishizu's sexy, enamoring voice rang out over the phone. Malik gulped.

"Hi, Malik, it's me, Ishizu. Yes, it's me. Yes, I'm not hyper. That's because I'm on Mydol. "

"Don't you take that during your period?" Yami asked. Yugi sweat dropped.

"Not always, I guess."

Malik sweat dropped. "Ohdeargodohdeargodohdeargodpleasedon't." Yugi glanced at him solicitously.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah Yugi. Ohdeargodohdeargodohdeargodpleasedon't…" Yugi sweat dropped.

"O-kay."

"Anyway me and Shadi were – ohhh. OHHHH. Oh yeah Shadi baby, right there…"

Malik slammed his hand down onto the cell phone's speakers just as Yami stood up in a huff slamming his hands down on the table, breaking it. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" he roared. "Get you're sickening self out of there, along with that cell phone. Demon item."

Yugi sweat dropped and motioned frantically, his mouth unmoving like in a video game, yet his voice came out anyway. "It's okay Malik you can stay here."

"Sure I can but—"

"No he can't," Yami objected, and he glared at Yugi coolly with these gorgeous, purple eyes. Yugi mustered up all his hatred and gave Yami a glare. It kind of made him look like he was constipated. --;;

Malik reached with his prehensile hand and swiftly grasped his cell phone. Snapping down the antennae, he left the room.

"I hate you," Yugi crabbed at Yami with a whiny, yet serious, yet childish voice. (So many yets!) He then stood up and left the room himself.

Yami blinked, and then stared at Yugi's empty seat. Then he glared at it, just for good measure. "Glare," he voiced. "Glare, glare, glare."

And so we leave our erotic friend to see what the two handsome people in the hall are up to.

Yugi sweat dropped as he saw Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp step out of his hallway, then walked down it to see Malik looking at a unicorn model that belonged to his mother.

"oO Don't break it."

"-- I won't." Malik threw the breakable object from hand to hand. Yugi's eyes followed the unicorn which his mother coveted, sending a quick prayer to Buddha that it wouldn't break.

"So, why did you follow me?"

"Huh?" Yugi looked up. "Sorry Malik what did you say?"

"--U I asked you why you were following me."

Yugi beamed. "Because I like you!" GLOMP. "And I like your sister, too. She's funny." Yugi nuzzled Malik's arm with his cheek. "She's really hott…"

"TT Do you really mean that?" Malik looked down at Yugi, as most people tended to do. A/N: XD Bad joke, I know.

"Yep!" Yugi looked up at Malik and smiled this dazzling, slightly lopsided smiled of his that made Malik melt inside like burning chocolate.

"Even with… two 't's?" Malik asked slowly.

Yugi responded lowly, "well yeah, I mean your sister is a stripper so I've gotta place emphasis."

Malik sweat dropped. "Point taken. I think. oOU"

"Anyway," Yugi tightened his grip on Malik's arm with his left hand, and with his right hand he touched Malik's cheek softly, "Yami's an asshole…"

Meanwhile, Yami, peering from the living room where he had been conveniently relocated by plot holes, heard that. "--;; Owch. I deserved that."

Meanwhile, in this delicate little world which consisted of Yugi and his hallway, this cute little fluffy scene was playing, and Yami's not a part of it so HA. :P

"…Would it be inordinately indelicate of me if I want…" Yugi stood on his tip-toes, "to… kiss you?"

"I." Yup, that's the sentence. Malik sagely decided to end his sentence at the most advantageous time, and when Yugi's lips softly pressed against his own, well, I think that would be a pretty serviceable time don't you? ..

Yami's face, during this incredible fluffy and magical moment, was DANG priceless. Because, he had a oOU face, and the letters 'OMG' were written in pink bubble letters. They actually floated in the air next to him in all of their gloriness:D ;; Pretty cool, actually.

Then Solomon Motou walked in. At just that time, Yami came in and starting yelling at them.

"GRANDPA!" Yami screeched obnoxiously in his "I'm telling!" voice. "These two were just—" Yugi gave Yami, in what is to be known as the coolest thing Yugi ever did, an uppercut to the jaw at THAT exact moment. Malik and Grandpa stared.

"….good punch, Yugi," Grandpa commented quietly.

"Yeah I learned a lot from hanging out with Tristan and Joey," Yugi informed him, looking again like the innocent, confused chibi we love. He turned. "Hey Malik do you want to play video—" But Malik was gone. "Awwwww."

The rain tumbled downwards onto the lone Egyptian figure making his way home. Malik struggled against the oddly strong winds, wearing all black. His black trench coat being whipped with the wind, thinking about the kiss. Because, after all, it's magical, and I'm trying to make a point. --;;;

BUT WHERE DID HE GET THE CLOTHES? You may ask. Fear not! Because you WILL find out in the next chappie! I guarentee it!


End file.
